


Burn out

by AyAries_17



Series: When I see you again we will walk together in the light of the sunset [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Character Death, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Gay, Hurt No Comfort, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kuroken if you squint, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Violence, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pain, Please Don't Hate Me, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression, SO MUCH FLUFF, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, Trauma, Why Did I Write This?, daisuga - Freeform, everyone is bisexual idc
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-14 16:02:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 34,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29544879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AyAries_17/pseuds/AyAries_17
Summary: ...Hiraeth (Welsh pronunciation: [hɪraɨ̯θ, hiːrai̯θ]) is a Welsh word for longing or nostalgia, an earnest longing or desire, or a sense of regret. The feeling of longing for a home that no longer exists or never was. A deep and irrational bond felt with a time, era, place or person....
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Series: When I see you again we will walk together in the light of the sunset [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2171481
Kudos: 4





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys enjoy this fan fic, it took a whole month to plan this, I'm still currently writing this one as well its gonna to be sad and its gonna be painful so prepare yourself its going to be one heck of a bumpy ride :)
> 
> I would like to give people a warning before reading because the topics listed below can be triggering so please reconsider before reading. 
> 
> There will be mentions of: 
> 
> \- Suicide  
> -Physical abuse  
> -Homophobia  
> -Slight gore  
> -Minor nsfw scenes  
> \- Strong language * 
> 
> * There will be no homophobic slurs or slurs of any type as it is very offensive and will not be mentioned in this fan fic

The constant mutter of Akaashi's peers around the classroom filled the empty space in the air. Lingering around like a bad smell. He had already heard about the new kid. Learning about this supposedly exciting news. For the volley ball team this wonder kid was a great new asset, and would score plenty of points and help carry the team towards victory. Despite that Akaashi didn't understand why the girls fawned over a boy they hadn't even seen yet. Discarding that thought, as it was bound to be a waste of his energy. Fatigue stalking him in the early morning. The lost hours of sleep last night came over him like a plague.

Even though he criticized the girls for their new found obsession for the new student, his mind kept drifting to he thought of what he was actually like. Whether they would clash or work well. His fascination bubbling up inside of him, as his thoughts kept wandering to this new mysterious figure. Who was he and how did he cause such a commotion among the students?

Shifting his head from its resting place and into the cushion of his forearms. Nuzzling his nose into the fabric of his uniform, its soft yet rough touch making it the perfect conditions to relax in. Exhaling away from his arms, avoiding the annoying warm touch of air that would bounce back into his face. The spring breeze brushing past his skin and slipping through his hair and clothing finding comfort in its warm chill. Rays of white light kissed his skin delicately as if it were scared, he would break upon its harsh touch. Shadows casted on his complexion as his dark hair bended the light. Dark eyes trailing the waves of petals that had been broken off and carried in the spring breeze, flowing in the air’s currents. Fluttering down to the earth, almost creating a bed of cherry blossoms, decorating the school in shades of pink and white.

Akaashi watched the play of the sea that was performed in front of him. Clouds morphing to resemble various oceanic creatures from angel fish to great blue whales. The fairy tale played out in front of him, served its purpose, as Akaashi's eyelids grew heavy. Sluggishly letting them fall, enclosing him in darkness that he was too tired to fight any longer. From any other students or staff members point of view, there sitting not too far at the back, occupying the window seat was a well-kept, smart student, enjoying the view of spring. To Akaashi he just hoped that spring would bring new hope to him. Its what spring resembles right? New life, new beginning's and new hope.

Staring in awe as the petals rode the wind, dancing in the air around Bokuto. Reaching out to catch them as if they were encouraging him to play. His child like demeanour showing through. The petals slight velvety smooth touch caressing his hands, acting as a comforter, calming down the building anxiety that swelled up inside him. A smile tugging at Bokuto's lips, this was a new beginning for him even if he didn't know.

The sensation of the cool touch of the wind blew through his clothes, sending small shivers across his body, the rays of the sunlight's direction becoming distorted as it seeped through Bokuto's hair. The light reflecting every shade of gold that had been uncovered in those eyes of his, its treasures that were hidden from the outside world; now discovered. Seeking attention from the world in his reach. Inhaling the fresh air, filling the empty space inside. Taking in the unfamiliar surroundings.

A smile forming onto his complexion as every beat of his heart spread round his adrenaline. Lifting his palm up letting the petals that he had caught flow into the wind. There was a subtle ache when he had let them go. Brining his hand back down, as he brushed away that unusual pang in his heart. Quickly remembering what he was here for not giving it another thought as excitement drowned out any nervous feelings Bokuto had. It was like spring had really granted him new hope. Influenced by the symbolism of spring as its positive nature reflected on to Bokuto like a mirror. Taking another confident step into his new beginning. Looking forward to his day ahead.

The two boys unaware of the new life, beginning and hope that they would grant each other.

The ringing of the school bells, woke Akaashi up from his day dream. Stretching out his tight muscles, his eyes adjusting to reality. Feeling the vibrations from his stomach, as it growled lowly. One hand reached down and held onto his side, gripping is softly as he looked out the window, searching for a distraction of any kind. Not purposefully ignoring the calls from his friends and team mates as they all walked to the cafeteria, leaving him behind. Akaashi sighed as he pulled out a tatted book, flipping through the pages. His metallic eyes fixated on the words sprawled out onto the aging paper before him. Even though his eyes were focused onto those words, he was slowly losing himself in the vast sea of his own mind. The calm waves sloppily collapsing onto each other. Pushing him further out with every miniscule clash.

Letting all the pent-up stress out as he exhaled, running his slim fingers through his hair. Trying to focus on the words as an easy distraction. Reading the same sentence over again in his head, trying to make sense of it. His head full of thoughts that wouldn’t leave him alone. It had only just turned one and lunch had just begun but the energy had left Akaashi. Leaving him to ponder whether he should go to practice after school today. Sure, there was going to be the new player arriving and getting to know the team today. Maybe he would bring him some motivation or something of the sort. As a setter it’s his job to be the control tower and set up the attacks and make sure that they succeed. Control, agility, stamina, the ability to trick your opponents and power, there is so much that makes a great setter. It all comes down to hard work, determination and perseverance but it wouldn’t hurt if he missed out on practice tonight…would it?

Debating the question in his head. Weighing and balancing out the pros and cons. Letting the book collapse onto the table as its weight became a burden to heavy to hold. Akaashi’s head hanging low. A sigh weakly forced out of his mouth; eyes closed. Upon opening them again adjusting to the bright light. Starring into the gap in between the table and himself. Giving a faint smile, even though there wasn’t anything out there that could get him to smile, it was more of a smile of defeat. Defeat being that he wasn’t going to go to practice tonight. Even though it was small, every time he gave in it would all add up in the end. So out of touch with the world that he happened lived in.

Raising his head to stare into the vast vivid blue sky, it was worth a try to distract his mind. The clouds from earlier had already moved on, leaving him stuck in the past. The wind now entering the classroom, a weak attempt of trying to fill the vacant space. Turning his head as he felt the breeze flow past his jaw, watching it full fill its wonderous life. It became memorizing as it danced around the various buildings that ranged in size, round students and other objects before rustling through the trees as its final act. A few laughs, cheers and other expressions of happiness reached its way into Akaashi’s ears. He was happy that people were able to enjoy themselves. His half-lidded eyes gazing out into the distance.

It would be rude of him not to tell the team that he wasn’t going to be there at practice tonight. Closing his worn-out book shut and gathering his things, putting them in their correct places. Leaving his belongings on the desk, his bag slumped against the table leg. Standing up straight, tucking in his chair as he walked closer to the exit. Akaashi’s fingertips brushed softly against the surface of the desks and chairs he walked past. Guilt started to pool in the bottom of his stomach, weighing him down. A few more steps and he made it out of the classroom and turned his body to the direction of where the team would usually sit at lunch.

Bokuto’s eyes quickly diverted to the leaves that swayed side to side as they fluttered down in front of him. Mesmerized by the shades of bright green as he gazed at the beauty of them. His mouth slowly opening and morphing into a smile.

“Hey Bokutoooo” Konoha waved his hands close to Bokuto’s face snapping him out of his trance.

“Oh yeah so what were we talking about?” Bokuto questioned giving off a little nervous laugh at the end as he rubbed the back of his neck with one hand. Giving all his attention to the group as they picked up where they left off in their conversation.

“We were talking about practice tonight Bokuto.” Washio told him, turning to face him before turning back round to the team.

Bokuto gave them a quick nod and joined in. Listening carefully to what they had to say, keeping an ear out for any key info. Something had sparked in his mind.

“So, who’s our setter?” Upon noticing that they hadn’t even mentioned anything about a setter in their team it got Bokuto wondering. He nudged Konoha as he asked the simple question that the others hadn’t really heard him say, as the way they were all positioned on the table with their belongings made it difficult for them to hear him.

“Our setter? Oh, his name is Akaashi, a first year but he’s got some serious skills!” Konoha praised the setter that Bokuto had yet to know. It got him thinking in more depth about Akaashi and who he was. What were his abilities like, weaknesses, strengths, how smart he was, would he like him? Would they clash and become rivals? There were so many questions that swam around Bokuto’s mind about this Akaashi. He didn’t even know what he looked like but, in his mind, he had already started to paint a picture. Somewhat dark hair, tall, definitely has a strong build and intimidating, the reason why Bokuto had the idea of intimidation hovering around in his mind was the fact that most setters generally are but if what Konoha said was true then there was a high chance of Akaashi being just that. He thought about whether it would throw him off or not. To him now Akaashi’s appearance was basic, similar to most volleyball players, other than that he was scary but there was something missing. No matter how hard he tried to imagine Akaashi’s face he just couldn’t. His eyes were the hardest to think about. Who was this mysterious new setter and what does he look like?

Bokuto didn’t reply to Konoha as he was in a world of his own. Kicking the dirt with his shoes, watching the clouds of dust fly up into the air.

Konoha at this point had semi turned round to face the rest of the team whilst keeping an eye on Bokuto. Chatting to the them about practice tonight and what they should work on and so on.

Bokuto had turned around to listen to the team but kept quiet as he still wondered about their setter. For reason he couldn’t get this boy out of his head, excitement breaking the dams in his mind as it all came flooding in. Thoughts about playing on the court in front of a huge audience, all eyes on him as he spiked every set that Akaashi gave him perfectly. Scoring dozens of points and with these thoughts in mind nationals was just within his grasp. He let his imagination run wild.

Akaashi on the other hand had just pushed open the door that was the only obstacle that stood in between him and his team. Sweaty palms and his accelerated heart beat reminded him of how ashamed and nervous he was to explain to his team that he won’t be coming to practice. He could at least let them know instead of letting them wonder why he didn’t turn up.

Dragging his feet towards the group, guilt slowly eating him from the inside out. He didn’t really have a choice either. As he drew closer to the group, he could feel the positive energy that spread out to all around. His half-lidded cold eyes didn’t waver at this or what he felt deep down.

Bokuto had finally managed to join in with the conversation babbling on about how his goal is to become the ace, and how much he has practiced at line shots and how he wanted to become better at cross shots. His lively demeanour hyped up the group and they all quickly became excited to see how good the future ace was.

As he changed the direction of his line of sight, he caught the harsh icy stare of a boy standing in front of him. Abruptly stopping his movements to maintain eye contact with this mysterious person. Confused by how he just stood there starring. The other guy in front of Bokuto broke eye contact first as he cleared his throat, turning round slightly to face the team.

“Heyy Akaashi!” Konoha greeted him.

“Where have you been?” Washio questioned Akaashi as the rest of the group nodded and waited for his answer.

“Catching up on some work nothing important.” Akaashi’s tone was as dead as the look in his eyes, no emotion, no matter how hard you searched for it.

“Ahh that’s our Akaashi, always so mysterious!” The rest of the team laughed at Konoha’s remark. Akaashi gave a small smile, thankful that he could enjoy small moments like this with the team even if they were joking about him. Bokuto as usual sat in confusion not really understanding what was going on.

“Oh, Akaashi this is Bokuto our new member!” Konoha announced as he gave Bokuto a harsh slap on the back. Making him jolt forwards and stand up rather quickly. Giving a cheesy grin and a nervous laugh before introducing himself.

“Hi I’m Bokuto Kōtarō nice to meet you Akaashi!” Sticking out his hand gesturing for Akaashi to shake it. Akaashi took Bokuto’s hand making sure not to have such a firm grip. As their eyes both met for the second time, it was difficult to see what was going on, neither looking with hatred or any other intense emotion. I guess you would say that it was a good mix of confusion and opia. That wonderful but anxious feeling sparked between the two. It was a weird encounter but the two of them brushed it off their shoulders as they shook hands. Not giving it a second thought. It would be better this way. Both subconsciously deciding that this is what they should do to avoid clashing with it each other.

“You too Bokuto-san” Akaashi let his hand go limp against his side, as he gave himself a second of preparation before giving the team the news. Glancing down to the floor as he begun.

“I wanted to let you know that I’m not attending practice tonight.” His one sentence left everyone in silence. These few seconds of silence was spent with Bokuto trying to sustain eye contact. Even though he barely knew Akaashi, he still felt some type of betrayal. After spending the whole of his day envisioning playing and practicing on the court and especially now thinking about spiking Akaashi’s sets, how could he not feel some type of way? But I guess he just had to face it. There was always next time. Whenever that was.

The rest of the team just simply accepted the fact that Akaashi wasn’t going to turn up at practice tonight but for Bokuto it was a hard lump in his throat that he had to swallow. Even though their eyes kept on meeting it just pushed them further away, awkwardness slowly crept between both of them.

“I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” Giving Bokuto a quick glance, and saw on his face of what looked like to be sorrow. Akaashi felt guilty enough he didn’t need this. It would be best for Akaashi if he just ignored that expression on the new team members face. He didn’t want to let down another person.

Akaashi didn’t expect this. He had spent most of his day letting his mind drift around the thoughts of the new player and for their first encounter to end up like this? Why did he have to pull such a face? Doesn’t he know how guilty he already feels? Shaking these negative feelings out of his head as he walked further away. Maybe it would be better if he kept his distance. Don’t get to close was something Akaashi had always lived by. He didn’t need this extra stress tipping him over the edge.

Dark clouds gathered above, blocking out any light that tried to pass through. Its loud rumblings echoed to the ground below, acting as a warning to everyone underneath. They all knew the drill, some holding out their hands to feel the rain and others packing up their belongings and rushing inside. As none of them wanted to be caught out in the down pour.

“Come on Bokuto! Its starting to rain lets go inside!” Konoha called out to him, as he and the rest of the group where a few paces ahead of Bokuto.

“Yeah, I’m coming!” Bokuto yelled back to Konoha, his gaze fixated on the setter that grew smaller and smaller as he walked further into the distance. The rain had started to pour making his sight blurry. Akaashi’s silhouette grew darker and foggier but was still. Konoha and the others had already made their way inside to the building but Bokuto had come to a halt as he continued to watch Akaashi’s figure standing in the rain that became heavier.

His body suddenly became drawn to go over to the lone boy. The rain now starting to seep through his clothes, its cold touch making sending shivers across Bokuto’s body. Stumbling forwards as he forced his mind to make a decision. He could either let Akaashi continue to stand alone or he could persuade him to join practice tonight and get him to come inside. It may off seem like it was insignificant or ignorant of what Bokuto wanted to do, but everything starts off small. Bokuto’s thoughts were drowned out by the rain, his mind was blank and his body slowly turning numb from the cold.

He didn’t understand why he wanted to do any of this, none of his pervious thoughts made sense. Despite that it made sense to go over to Akaashi who stood facing up to the sky. The more he thought about practice tonight and how down he felt about Akaashi not turning up, it got him thinking about the reason why. Akaashi never gave him a reason. It was none of Bokuto’s business to interfere, and he shouldn’t go sticking his nose into other peoples lives. However, a part of Bokuto was eager to know more.

The patter of the rain on the ground filled his ears, as he starred up into the grey sky. The guilt and regret Akaashi had felt earlier was in the process of being washed away by the water that fell from the heavens. Its cold touch didn’t bother him anymore. As the water washed away his regret for missing out on training, it left him wondering if he would feel guilty about missing it the next time. He wondered if he stopped caring about what he felt now that he would stop caring overall. Would he let the rain make him completely numb? Unable to feel…would he still be able to feel the warmth from the suns touch? Or would he just become emotionally numb? Too many questions with no answers.

Filling up his empty lungs and releasing it all as he looked down to see the water-logged ground. The water mixing in with the discarded dirt and dust, changing its colour to a milky brown. Akaashi became satisfied with the ripples in the muddy water, its constant state of movement put him at ease somehow. The tickling sensation of the water running down his face, it was weird how such a simple thing could change so much in a matter of seconds. Even though it felt like he could never overcome everything, this way was much easier, for the short term that was. Suffocating any thoughts or emotions similar to what he had just felt, it had to be done. It was just easier, might not be for the long-term effect but for now it would do. Would it come back to bite him in the ass later? Yes, yes it would but he wasn’t at that bridge yet. Akaashi would cross it when he’d get there. Comfort is what he needed and this was the way how. More like the only way he knew how too.

Deciding that he had spent far too much time mopping about in his sorrows, glancing up to the sky one more time before he started to head back in. Bokuto still frozen stuck in the rain, unsure of what he should do. He had no business with Akaashi, was it that his ego was hurt because he wouldn’t be able to show off tonight? Maybe, despite his own desires he still couldn’t let the team down, could he? Having enough of battling his inner thoughts, taking a step of faith, he wanted to say something at least. Anything he would say would be enough, he wouldn’t have to regret it then. At least he knew he tried. It’s all that matters.

Stretching out one leg in front of him as he moved forwards. Each step turned into a small then to a jump. Turning it into a jog as he caught up to Akaashi who was a good few paces ahead.

“Hey! Akaashi!” Shouting out for him in the pouring rain. Bokuto stumbled forwards but stopped one or two steps behind Akaashi. Hands on his knees as he panted a bit, regaining his breath, he straightened out his back; standing tall and proud like he always did. Akaashi turned his head to the side, seeing that it was Bokuto returned to his original position he gave a sigh and turned round to face him. What did he want with him? It was unusual that a second year would come to talk to a first year, it was generally the other way round.

“I wanted to know the reason why you’re not coming tonight.” Akaashi looked up to Bokuto in confusion, he really doesn’t beat around the bush, does he? He was also quite taken back at the second year had just said something like that out of the blue. Thinking back on it now he really could’ve just messaged one of the team mates, he didn’t have to actually go and tell them in person. Regretting his decisions earlier. He still had to give Bokuto an answer even though he didn’t want to. Akaashi instantly recognised Bokuto as the type to pester someone until they got what they wanted.

“I have to be somewhere after school.” Not wasting another second, he had his back facing Bokuto, walking away.

“Wait hold up-”

“Goodbye Bokuto-san.” Cutting the conversation short before it had even begun to start Akaashi’s cold tone was more than enough to keep Bokuto’s mouth shut. Leaving him in the rain.

The next two hours both of the boys sat in defeat. It wasn’t the end of the world for either but they were still down about it. Bokuto struggled to focus in class, he found himself starring out the window or rereading the same sentence over and over again. He still hadn’t got a reason and it frustrated him. Not everything had went his way and he was used to that but he wanted to be the best ace there was and not having the team’s official setter there annoyed him. Chewing the end of his pen as he sat in his own frustration. He wasn’t annoyed at Akaashi because if he had somewhere to be, he had somewhere to be, but he was annoyed about how much he boasted and how he wouldn’t be able to show the team his skills that he had spent weeks perfecting to the best of his ability. He really had to learn to think before he spoke. Bokuto leant back into his chair, now starring up at that all to familiar grey celling. Waiting impatiently for the bell to go.

Akaashi on the other hand had his head buried into a book. What happened earlier still popped up into his mind randomly, he thought about a little before brushing it off his shoulder. It was weird to him that that had happened but it wasn’t anything that screamed out to him. Settling on the decision to focus on his work rather than something that was now irrelevant to him.

He now kept his gaze fixated onto the clock. Ten minutes to go.

The one time he would’ve wanted the last ten minutes of a lesson to feel like an hour passed by in what seemed to him as five minutes. Despite that it still felt like an hour to Bokuto. Both impatient for afterschool.

The bell had rung and crowds of students flooded out of the classrooms into the halls, hanging around the school gates.

Akaashi headed to his locker after leaving his class. Not really wanting to run into any of his teammates.

Keeping his head low not looking people in the eye, the usual behaviour if you wanted to avoid someone. As much as he wanted to attend practice and stay at school for as long as possible, he had to go. Its not like he had a choice in the matter either.

Fixing his uniform as he closed his locker shut. The sound of it shutting blending in with all the background noise. Its not something Akaashi would generally pay attention to either.

He didn’t even close his eyes for a second and right in front of him was the one person he really didn’t want to bump into, and just with his luck there standing right before him was none other than Bokuto.

Visible frustration now present on his face. He didn’t have time for this.

Bokuto was taken back by the expression on Akaashi’s face. Taking a step backwards, unsure of what to do now. This wasn’t exactly what he had in mind.

Akaashi’s cold grey eyes starring daggers into him. To Bokuto that’s what it looked like but Akaashi was just tired, drowsiness had finally over taken him. Longing to leave the school.

“Bokuto-san if this is about earlier forget about it…I have to go.”

“I want you to come though.”

“I- it’s…its more difficult than that I can’t just come because you want me too.”

“Please even if its just for half an hour…I boasted to the team about my spikes and not having a setter there…I can’t exactly show them…I won’t annoy you again! It’s just this once!”

Akaashi couldn’t exactly ignore the plead of his teammate, now could he? He would only be there for half an hour or so. He could spare that amount of time, sure he could. Finally giving in to Bokuto’s pleads.

“Fine but I can only spare twenty minutes.” Turning around back to his locker so he could pull out the acceptable gear he would need, like his gym trainers and hoodie. Quickly fishing them out and slipping on his trainers and pulling his hoodie over his head. Ignoring Bokuto’s thankyous.

“It’s this way come on.”

Watching Bokuto cluelessly wonder about with not even the faintest idea of where he was supposed to be going. If Akaashi was being completely honest here, Bokuto may off gotten him to stay behind for twenty minutes but even just looking at the boy annoyed him. Thinking to himself that he should just let it go and that hopefully in the near future things would just sort themselves out.

Bokuto had calmed down slightly when Akaashi hadn’t returned his enthusiasm. Now they walked side by side almost in silence. The dead atmosphere that lingered around them had started to weigh down on their moods. Akaashi repeated in his head over and over again it was only twenty minutes. Only twenty minutes.

“Hey Bokuto! Oh, and Akaashi?” It was understandable to why Konoha was so confused. Akaashi told them that he wasn’t going to come but how on earth did Bokuto get Akaashi to turn up? That one question circling around in his head. It was quickly discarded as he was overjoyed that Akaashi could play with them.

“I’m only here for twenty minutes.” The rest of the team nodded at Akaashi’s statement and all got to work. They had already finished putting up the net and had just started stretching.

It was obvious to anyone that Bokuto had skipped parts of his warm up, aware of how little time he had to show what he can do. Bouncing around with so much energy.

“Hey Akaashi will you come set for me please?” Catching Akaashi of guard with his question Bokuto threw a ball over to him.

Bokuto didn’t have to ask again but in Akaashi’s mind it was just him being polite. Despite that Bokuto knew Akaashi wanted to leave, he had places to be after all, but if his is how he got Akaashi to stay for just one minute then it was definitely worth asking questions like those.

“Are you ready Bokuto?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be!”

A few of the middle blockers prepared themselves, getting ready to perfectly time their jump. They weren’t going to let Bokuto break them so easily.

Keeping both eyes on Bokuto as he begun his run up. Akaashi pushed the ball up stretching out his fingers, giving it the best accuracy, he could. He thought if he could get a few good sets to Bokuto he could leave earlier, not that he wanted to though. Akaashi’s mixed feelings were starting to mess about with his head. Returning back to reality as he heard the connection between the ball and Bokuto’s hand.

Starring up with wide open eyes, at the sight before him. Every feeling that Akaashi felt in that moment had been neutralised, it was calm but sort of exciting to him as he watched Bokuto fly, breaking past the blockers in a crazy line shot. The ball slamming into the ground just inside the line.

“HEY HEY HEYY!” Landing on his two feet, punching his fist into the air.

“Woah that was crazy!”

“I didn’t think you were as good as you said you were!”

“Man, that’s some talent!”

All of the compliments that the team gave him feed Bokuto’s ego. He looked so happy. He was acknowledged and praised for something that he had worked so hard at.

“Thanks, Akaashi! It was a little low though…” Trailing off at the end of his sentence, rubbing the back of his neck.

“I meant it was a really good set! Please set me some more!” Lowing his head down, arms straight as his side, bowing in front of Akaashi. He didn’t want Akaashi to think it as criticism, but more of something he could improve from.

“I only have time to do a few more Bokuto-san…and you don’t have to bow to me.” To Akaashi it was weird that someone older than him was being so polite on the other hand Bokuto deemed it necessary.

“Oh okay…well let’s score some more points!”

Bokuto jumped back reading himself for another one of his spikes. Akaashi bent his knees slightly, getting ready to jump giving the ball more height. The middle blockers mentally thinking among themselves, collectively preparing for Bokuto’s spike.

The squeaks of gym shoes against the hard wood polished floor echoed around the silence. Taking a few paces before leaping into the air. Akaashi had already set the ball, watching it curve in the air. Until his gaze met Bokuto’s, for a split second, time its self-slowed down. Bokuto noticed this too, as his arm was reached back unable to focus on anything else other than Akaashi’s gaze. His body moving forward with momentum as he hit the ball, falling gracefully back down to the surface of the floor. Breaking his eye contact with Akaashi in the process.

Shaking his head side to side to snap him out of whatever trance that he was in. White noise just filled his ears. Standing there alone on the court oblivious to Bokuto’s powerful spike that had broken through the defendants. The teammates cheers were just a ring in Akaashi’s ears.

“Hey Akaashi! Did ya see that spike! Did ya see?!” Running over to Akaashi with a spring in his step. Bokuto’s loud, annoying but unique voice breaking that constant ring in Akaashi’s ears.

“Yes, I did Bokuto, it was a good spike” Conscious of the time now, the twenty minutes that Akaashi had spare were almost up now. Eyes that dared to show even a hint of wonder towards the future ace became half-lidded, empty voids, that had depth but nothing to fill it.

It was time for him to go. Bokuto’s persuasion wouldn’t buy him any more time, it wasn’t enough.

He begged for one more set but Akaashi knew better, someone as energetic and hard working like Bokuto wouldn’t stop so easily. Better to let go now rather than later.  
“I’ll walk you to the gate Akaashi!” The team looked a little confused by what Bokuto had told to Akaashi, it was bold of him to announce something like that.  
“It’s the least I could do after asking you to stay behind today, to keep you company!” Akaashi sighed at Bokuto’s explanation.

“I’ll be fine, you’ll be wasting time walking me to the gate and back, I think you would be better prioritising your time better Bokuto-san.” So simple yet so harsh, Akaashi’s words that is.

Bokuto stood dumbfounded, managing to cough up a ‘yeah’ and returned to the court, out of his peripheral he watched Akaashi become smaller and smaller till he was out of sight.

‘Goodbye Akaashi’ is what he would’ve liked to say.

Before Bokuto knew it, it was a new day. Becoming familiar with the school grounds and where the second years were stationed. He wanted to know where the first years were at within the school though.

Akaashi hadn’t turned up for practice that morning.

Bokuto thought that he might’ve been tired and wanted to skip out, wanting to give him one of his own motivation speeches to cheer him up, positive that it would work. He looked high and low, until he had asked the receptionist.

“Oh Akaashi Keiji? He’s hasn’t turned up yet.”

_Akaashi wasn’t at school today._


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiraeth (Welsh pronunciation: [hɪraɨ̯θ, hiːrai̯θ]) is a Welsh word for longing or nostalgia, an earnest longing or desire, or a sense of regret. The feeling of longing for a home that no longer exists or never was. A deep and irrational bond felt with a time, era, place or person.

_Akaashi wasn’t at school today._

Stumbling back a few steps as he repeated what the receptionist had said in his head. A panicked look on his face as he grew worried, from what the team had told him and what had happened yesterday Akaashi wasn’t the type to not inform the team if he wasn’t attending practice let alone turning up to school.

“His father called in to tell us that he’s feeling unwell. Some sort of stomach ache or bug. Said that Akaashi would be in for tomorrow though. So, I wouldn’t worry too much.” Those words that the receptionist had told Bokuto were like music to his ears. He could relax now, even though it wasn’t the greatest that Akaashi had caught something, it was better than what Bokuto had originally thought. 

“Akaashi huh, rings a bell…ohhhh is he the kid who was on and off last term? Kids these days…” The receptionists laughed off on each other’s snarky comments. Bokuto who was now out of earshot, unable to hear what they had to say about Akaashi.

Running through the halls with a spring in his step as he went to tell his team mates the news. It was unfortunate that Akaashi had caught some type of cold, he wouldn’t be able to play for a few days. Bokuto started to think about what he could do, maybe Akaashi could watch and help point out the players mistakes or something.

“Hey Konoha!” Grabbing Konoha and the other team members attention, as he slowed down to a jog.

“What did they say?” Konoha’s interested peaked at the sight of Bokuto’s happiness.

“They said that Akaashi had a bad stomach ache or bug and that he will be in tomorrow!” The team all questioned in their heads why Bokuto was so happy but brushed it off as he was glad it wasn’t anything else.

It was quiet without Akaashi, a weird sort of silence. Even though Bokuto had only just got to meet him he still understood what the team felt. Sure, it would be back too normal the next day. It was just unpleasant.

Practice had ended and the whole team felt the fatigue kicking in after those two hours of gruelling training. But thankfully the school day was over, they could all relax to a certain extent.

“Hey Konoha could you go over to Akaashi’s house and give him the details about our upcoming practice match?” Washio and Konoha stood in the far corner of the gym, where their belongings were. Washio digging around in his bag for a folded sheet of paper, most likely containing the information about the next practice match.

“Yeah sure-” Just before Konoha could finish his reply Bokuto had come running over.

“Let me go along with you!”

Both of the boys looked in confusion at Bokuto.

“I want to see if he is alright, that’s all.”

“It wouldn’t hurt if you tagged along, I don’t see why not.”

Konoha and Bokuto leaving practice a tad earlier than they would usually, setting their course to Akaashi’s house.

Starring back into the mirror, Akaashi was ashamed of who looked back into his eyes. It was a sight that he didn’t want to look at anymore. He couldn’t even bring himself to look into his own eyes again, scarred that they would see who he really was.

One arm safely wrapped round his stomach. The other holding onto the side of the sink, as his head hung low. Akaashi’s dark hair draped over the top half of his face. Legs positioned out in the way that would give him the best support, as he balanced his weight out.

“Akaashi!”

He knew the drill. After hearing his father call up to him, it was best to not ignore him. His chest growing heavy and tight with every breath. Telling himself to calm down, as if it would work anyway.

Mustering up the little courage he had left, he silently walked downstairs, not a sound in his step.

Wanting to ignore the mumbles from his father, it didn’t concern him but he listened out just in case. Weary of where he was going.

Choosing to discard his own thoughts as they became too loud for him to withstand, getting louder and louder every time he took a glance at the empty bottles of liquor and beer that had collected on the countertop.

Stopping in front of the hob, losing himself as he stared into the bubbling water. Hands limp at his sides, the ache from his stomach didn’t call out to Akaashi anymore, it was too quiet. Compared to his thoughts that was.

The fact there was only a metres gap between him and his father, sent shivers down his spine. Jaw clenched and eyes wide open, not even threatening to shut, not for a second. His body become more alert every time it listened to the pleads of his brain.

Trying to be calm felt physically impossible.

“What is wrong with you, damn child.” Snapping Akaashi out of his phase as his father stumbled towards him. Bottle in hand as he slammed it down onto the surface, making Akaashi flinch, instinctively his hands came up as defence. Using his shoulder to push the frail boy out of his sights, leaving Akaashi to fall back to the cold hard surface of the floor.

His delicate wrists supporting his weight as he stayed on the floor, not moving. He couldn’t even bring himself to stand up, defend himself or even look up. He had admitted defeat again.

He knew he could hold his own against his father. He knew he hadn’t changed from the same kid who would hide in the closet, peaking through the crack of the door. He hadn’t changed.

He hated himself for it.

Tears welling up in the brim of his eyes, as he held onto his stomach. The dull ache he had long forgot rapidly intensified. Teeth clenched as he fought the pain, he didn’t want to be seen as weak. Never again will he be seen as weak, especially to his father.

“Why did I have to get a son like you?” Muttering underneath his breath.

“Honestly pathetic…can’t make dinner without messing up…Did you want to burn his house down?”

Akaashi answered his father with silence. Instead, he averted his gaze to the spot where the smoke detector once was. After a previous fight between the two, it had been knocked down, no one had been bothered to see if it was broken or went replace it.

Akaashi’s father switched off the hob, the flickering of the blue flames caught his eye, its flame and azure colour distracting him from Akaashi’s attempt to stand up and walk away. Directing his sight towards the boy who struggled to get, it was like watching a defenceless injured animal trying to escape but its efforts were hopeless.

Holding onto the counter top for support, one arm holding his stomach, as he tried to hobble up the stairs. It sorts as entertainment for his father as he watched his son stumble upstairs. Taking a quick swig of his alcoholic beverage, not even giving a single care in the world when he heard a heavy thump from upstairs.

Thinking about what he should do next, crushing the metal can in his hands, discarding it onto the floor, should he catch up with the latest sports program or crack open another beer? Too many choices to choose from.

“Akaashi’s house is just down this road…if I can remember correctly it’s that one there!” Konoha pointed out to a fairly sized house, on the small size but it wasn’t too shabby.

Excited to see Akaashi again, Bokuto sped up leaving Konoha a few paces behind. He was the first to reach the door, not waiting for Konoha as he knocked on the door. Bokuto’s knuckles turning a light shade of pink as he brought his hand back down to his side. The chilling winds blowing through him and Konoha as they waited patiently for someone to answer.

“It’s kinda chilly don’t ya think?” Konoha rubbed the outsides of his arms, his teeth chattering in the cold weather.

“Yeah-”

Not a muscle in their body was relaxed, everything became full of tension when his eyes laid onto their own.

Standing there in the crack of the door was Akaashi’s father with some type of drink in hand as the odd smell of alcohol reeked off of him, wafting towards them in the cold air.

A few seconds went by as Akaashi’s father looked down at the two boys at his door.

“Hello sir…um we’re here to give this to Akaashi.” Konoha pushed Bokuto out of the way slightly breaking the tension between the two. Hands fumbling about within the pockets of his coat as Konoha searched for the small piece of folded paper from Washio.

“Ah here it is…this is for Akaashi, it’s the details for our next practice match and here's the form for it.” Handing over the small piece of yellowish paper and a larger white one behind it. Akaashi’s father opened the door fully, revealing himself and certain parts of his home. Bokuto looking over Akaashi’s father’s shoulder as he tried to get a better look inside to see if Akaashi was in there. On the tips of his toes now but all he could see was the darkness of the house, a flickering light most likely from the Tv, part of a kitchen counter top and a staircase. Other than that, Akaashi wasn’t there.

“Oi” Grabbing both of the boy’s attention as he stuffed the piece of paper into his back pocket, crumpling it as he shoved it in.

“What are you looking at?” Curious as to what Bokuto was trying to get at.

Konoha jumped at the confrontation, unsure of what to do, he had always known Akaashi’s father to be strict leaning towards a more aggressive approach.

“Where is Akaashi?”

“Why does that concern you?”

“I want to know if he is okay?” Taking a weary step forward, testing out the waters, he wanted to see Akaashi. To know if he really was okay.

“He’s fine.”

“Can I go see him?” Konoha started to nudge Bokuto’s arm at this point, not wanting to start some type of argument with Akaashi’s father. His eyes moving to watch Bokuto then to Akaashi’s father. 

“I’ve told you he’s fine.”

“But I want to see my friend.” Deep down somewhere Bokuto knew that he shouldn’t be arguing with an adult especially your friend’s father despite that he felt some type of doubt when Akaashi’s father told him that Akaashi was supposedly fine.

“Bokuto, we will see Akaashi tomorrow anyway.” Konoha had decided to step in, not wanting to see this escalate any further.

“Listen to your friend.” Giving both the boys one more dirty look before slamming the door in their faces. It ricocheted before Akaashi’s father pulled it in slightly so that the door could lock properly.

“But-”

“Come on Bokuto, let’s just go.”

Firmly placing his hand onto Bokuto’s shoulder to keep him from looking back, keeping his head forwards, eyes forwards.

Unlike the two other boys who walked away looking forwards to the future, Akaashi laid still on the floor, thoughts still stuck in the past. He stopped dreaming about the future a long time ago, it wasn’t like it mattered to him anymore. Still drunk on the past.

He let his thoughts run free for a moment, as they lead him to the thought of why Bokuto would want to see him, they hadn’t even known each other for a day. Overhearing that conversation that happened just on his door made him feel some type of way. He wasn’t sure what it was despite the feeling that made him all giddy and warm, he quickly went to shut it out. He would have to let it go at some point; it would make it harder to say goodbye if he didn’t drown it out now.

Akaashi had always know that anything that made him good would leave him eventually, why let it grow and prosper when he would have to let it go later? He always knew that it was fault, he was the one to blame, he was always the one to leave in the end.

Lifting his head up from the floor, using the palms of his hands to balance himself out as he sat up straight. Pushing his back up against the cold tiles, feeling its icy touch seep through his clothes and into his skin. Not a single shiver came over him as he laid the back of his head against the wall. His hair cushioning him slightly, the cold taking over welcomed him, numbing his body for him.

Eyes trailing up the wall and onto the ceiling as he starred into the bright light. Blinding his sight.

He felt nothing.

Bokuto had somewhat annoyed Akaashi when they first met, he had never really felt like there was going to be some sort of a friendship between the two, despite on what he first thought, this had definitely surprised him. He didn’t see Bokuto as some annoying upperclassmen who would pester him about volleyball or anything, he saw him as a friend. As much as he wanted to push Bokuto away, it was okay for him to have a friend like Bokuto right?

Maybe he should hold on to that small feeling of happiness that Bokuto had unknowingly gifted him. 

“Good morning Bokuto-san”

“Akaashi!”

Standing just outside of the gym door was none other than Akaashi, holding onto his school bag with one hand the other by his side. Eyes glued to the ground as his team members paused their game, as Bokuto went bouncing over to Akaashi.

“Are you better now?” Bokuto slowed to a simple jog before stopping in front of the boy.

“Yeah, I’m fine now thanks” Seeing the way Bokuto’s face light up made the feeling he felt last night spark up in him again, smiling back at Bokuto before letting him return to the court. Wanting hold onto his stomach as the walk from his house to school put to much pressure onto his small injury, watching Bokuto as he ran back on to the court, jumping around. Akaashi became jealous of how care free Bokuto was, Akaashi couldn’t be like that. With a small limp in every step, he took to bench, cautious to see if anyone had noticed.

Discarding any anxiety that he had, Akaashi just wanted to enjoy the sight of his team mates play. 

Focusing on how each player reacted to the spikes, sets and serves, observing how they made all their individual plays connect. A true sight to see and Akaashi couldn’t wait to see his team play at official matches and finally make it to nationals. It felt like a dream that was just out of his reach.

“Are you not going to play today Akaashi?” Shuffling over on the bench as he made room for Bokuto to sit down.

“No not today Bokuto-san” Even though Akaashi was disappointed to not join in with practice, he still had to heal he could probably play tomorrow if he wasn’t too sore, it would be a mistake to join in today.

“Awwww I miss your sets.” Propping his elbows onto his knees as he lowered his head into his palms sulking.

“I’ve only set to you a couple times.” Now this had taken Akaashi back he never thought that Bokuto had missed his sets. Maybe that’s why he wanted to see Akaashi yesterday to see whether he was fit enough to be able to play. He hated to doubt people like this but the thought still lingered in his mind, maybe it was right. Akaashi couldn’t help it, he never meant to doubt Bokuto.

“Still doesn’t mean that I can’t miss your sets though!” Bokuto’s voice never wavered once and it confused Akaashi about how one can be so happy all the time. 

“Yeah” A slight tweak of hostility could be found in Akaashi’s voice, but thankfully it went unnoticed to Bokuto.

“It’s a good thing that we have practice tonight then!” Sitting upright again, slapping his knee as he turned to face Akaashi.

“We don’t have practice tonight Bokuto-san” Akaashi giving Bokuto the look of confusion, quickly getting over it as he rolled his eyes.

“Oh…” His hair dropping down to side of his face mimicking his emotions.

“We have practice tomorrow though.” After a few seconds of shared silence, Akaashi spoke up. Taking his eyes off of Bokuto, facing the court again.

“Yeah, we’ll always have tomorrow right Akaashi?” Ending it off with a light laugh as he gazed upon Akaashi.

He didn’t answer his question. If Akaashi was going to be honest with himself he had no idea if he will have tomorrow, he never thought that there was a tomorrow for him.

His head hung low as his hands came up to run his fingers slowly through his dark hair, rising his head as he did so.

Eyes latching onto Bokuto’s, a faint ghost of a smile was found on his face. A calm peaceful feeling washed over Bokuto as he gazed at Akaashi. He didn’t feel as tense anymore, he felt comfortable. Bokuto wondered if Akaashi felt the same comfort as he did in his presence. Letting out the breath that he didn’t know he was holding back, he gave out a small chuckle, surprising Akaashi as he did so.

Everyone else was too busy fixated on the court, analysing movements, thinking about their technique, too busy to notice the two boys seated at the bench close to the exit, laughing away with each other.

Akaashi didn’t understand why he was laughing along with Bokuto but he felt normal for once, no one’s eyes but Bokuto’s was on him, he felt like a normal boy his age enjoying something for once. Even if it wasn’t much it was still something and it meant a lot to him.

The laughter died down and they sat in each other’s presence, the warm spring breeze blew through the open door ruffling their hair. It was the first time in Akaashi’s life that he had forgot his life at home, he forgot the past and he had forgot the pain.

He was grateful that Bokuto made an effort to be his friend.

“Let me walk you home today.”

“What- why do you want to walk me home?” Okay now his had Akaashi slightly confused.

“Because when you didn’t turn up at school yesterday, I got worried...so I thought if I walk you home, I’ll make sure nothing bad happens to you, so you’ll come to the school tomorrow...” Akaashi thought about how he had doubted Bokuto earlier on, it was wrong for him to do so. Bokuto cared about volleyball a lot but he also cared about the well being of his team mates and friends.

“So, I’ll walk you home so that nothing bad happens okay?” Bokuto sounded really genuine but all he could do was try. Akaashi knew at some point his efforts would go to waste but right now all he wanted to do was believe in what Bokuto said.

“I don’t have a say in this do I Bokuto-san?”

“Nope”

The end of the day came quicker than expected but felt like it had been stretched out for too long at the same time. It felt weird for Akaashi, he didn’t know how to put it but it was like a part of the heavy burden he carried all by himself was lifted. Its crushing weight didn’t feel as heavy anymore, he could finally breath a little better.

Bokuto stood outside of the gate, fidgeting with his fingers waiting for Akaashi. Getting bored but not impatient he started to fiddle about with the straps of his bag. He begun to look around, flickering through the dozens of students that aimlessly walked past him, until his eyes met familiar grey ones.

Bokuto’s stopped his fidgeting, his whole face lighting up as he jogged a few paces over to Akaashi.

“Hey hey heyyy!” A smiled beamed across his face.

“Do you always say that Bokuto-san?” Starring up at his upperclassman.

“Yeah, it’s kinda my thing! Anyway, it sucks that we don’t have practice tonight...” It truly did amaze Akaashi how Bokuto’s hair was affected by his emotions and how quick his mood changed.

“Do you always think about volleyball?” Akaashi found it weird that he was now asking all the questions. Taking another slowed step forward, Bokuto trailing at his side as they walked out of the school gates.

“Not always, I think about my friends, family I don’t like school work so I don’t think about that often but I do think about volleyball a lot!” Akaashi admired Bokuto’s passion and love for volleyball as he listened to his short monologue. For some reason their surroundings didn’t phase Akaashi as much as they used too, in previous conversations he would day dream or become to focused on other things but right now he couldn’t take his eyes off of Bokuto. Small conversations like these with Bokuto helped him forget, it helped him forget it all.

“Sooooo...what way are we going?”

The amber toned light kissed at Bokuto’s skin, making him glow a thousand shades of gold. Akaashi found himself lost in its ability to bewitch anything it touched into something so alluring .Every thing was blessed by the light, other than him. Shadows loomed over his complexion as he muttered ‘another right’ over to Bokuto. Thankful that he had heard him and not asked him to repeat himself.

Was he really jealous that he found that everything and one was blessed by the sun other than him? Probably not there had to be more to it, he thought. Shaking his head as he and Bokuto continued to walk down the winding roads. Breathing in the fresh spring air ignoring the slight sting as it filled his lungs. Even though Akaashi kept both eyes on his surroundings taking it all in, letting his mind slowly drift to the thoughts about sonder he still felt them coming back to Bokuto no matter how hard he tried to fight it back, they still ended up onto Bokuto’s face. Preferably his eyes.

Those golden hues, carrying all the treasures of the world, to Akaashi that wasn’t gold or jewels it was hope. See it was a vastly strange feeling to Akaashi and he could never understand it, more of he could never understand how people were hopeful. Maybe it was because he had never experienced it.

It took Bokuto a few minutes to actually realise that Akaashi was starring at him. It wasn’t that Bokuto wasn’t used to people starring per say it was more of some weird type of embarrassment that crawled up his spine, eyes darting to everywhere, lost and confused, but never meeting Akaashi’s own. Hands immediately shot up to his hair, running his fingers through the dark roots and light tips, attempting to fix it as he thought that there was something wrong with it. People where always starring weirdly at him for his unusual hairstyle, it made him feel insecure but he would always pull through. It wasn’t that Bokuto was weirded out by Akaashi starring at him, he didn’t dare connect the eye contact though, he wasn’t embarrassed by it but he was at the same time. God new emotions and feelings where difficult, especially if you didn’t know what they were.

They didn’t say a word for the next five minutes but Akaashi had averted his gaze when they came to cross another road.

“Do you have a phone Akaashi?” They both slowed down, now their eyes meet.

“Yeah, I have a phone.”

“Good to know.” Bokuto replied, cutting the conversation short. He didn’t mean to; he was just lost for words.

They walked in silence, now walking down another road, Bokuto recognised its all too familiar traits.

Taking a quick peek at Akaashi, who didn’t seem to doing too well, opening his mouth to speak but nothing but air left him.

“I was going to ask to for your phone number...it’s why I asked about if you had a phone earlier...I just didn’t know how to say...” His words trailing off at the end of his sentence, rubbing the back of his nape.

Akaashi came to a stop before muttering the word, well more of the expression, ‘oh’.

“Did you still want it?” Akaashi asked, a few paces behind Bokuto, he took a few steps closer holding onto his phone, uncertain of whether to hand it too Bokuto or not.

“Y-yeah” Bokuto dug around his blazer pockets before pulling out a familiar device to Akaashi’s, they swapped with each other and begun to tap away, filling in the contact details. After a pregnant pause they handed back their phones.

“Thanks, Akaashi.”

Akaashi didn’t say anything in reply but a small smile, one where you could see it in his eyes.

“I can walk the rest of they way by myself you don’t have to walk me Bokuto-san...you’ve already done enough.” Akaashi muttered the last four words.

“Are you sure?” Bokuto looked as if he wanted to start whining but after seeing the visual display of Akaashi’s comfort earlier it might be better to leave him be.

“Yeah, I’m sure” Akaashi broke away from the eye contact, leaving Bokuto still starring.

Maybe it was wrong to leave Akaashi and walk away. Maybe it was right to do so. Bokuto didn’t know nor would he ever know. At that time deep down he knew he didn’t want to leave, there where so many things he wanted to do, to talk about with Akaashi but he had to respect his friend.

“I’ll see you tomorrow though Bokuto-san.” He turned around facing the direction of his house, taking the first few steps forwards, only looking back to see Bokuto waving. He too raised his hand up giving a small wave good bye.

“Yeah...see ya...Akaashi...” Akaashi’s name came out as a soft whisper, wisped away by the wind, as Akaashi walked away and off into the near distance.

Taking in a deep but slightly shaky breath, Bokuto detached his eyes away from Akaashi, he took the first step away, then the second, third, fourth and so on. Before he knew it, he had made it to the train station. Trying to focus on what train he needed to get and when it would come.

After a very boring five-minute wait, his train finally came and he was on his way home.

Slumping down in one of the many vacant seats, Bokuto sat alone in the carriage. It was only until the next stop were, he realised that he had Akaashi’s phone number. Digging his hands around his pockets before pulling out his phone, scrolling through his contacts, he finally found it.

But what would he say?

There was so much he wanted to say but he couldn’t or maybe he couldn’t muster up enough courage to do so.

Maybe a simple hey would do?

Deciding to go along with that he typed in a quick hey.

To Akaashi: Heyy

From Akaashi: Hello Bokuto-san

From Akaashi: Did you make it home okay?

To Akaashi: Yeah

To Akaashi: I’m just getting off the train now

To Akaashi: Nearly home

From Akaashi: That’s good

From Akaashi: Let me know when you do

Shoving his phone into his blazer pocket, not noticing the buzz from his phone as he walked home.

Bokuto didn’t think about a lot on his way back, but the thought of seeing Akaashi nervous? It didn’t sit right with him, despite what he felt deep down, ignoring his sub-consciousness pleads to ask about it and check-up, he didn’t. Bokuto kept walking, brushing it off as Akaashi had failed a test or something similar.

Once he reached the house, he sent a text to Akaashi saying that he had made it home only for Akaashi to reply with an okay.

It was like any other night for the two, quite and a little bit lonely as they laid in their beds, but both longing for something.

“Akaashi!” Raising his voice so that it would reach the ears of the dark-haired boy who stood a few metres away from Bokuto.

Waving his hand as high as he could, grabbing his attention.

Bokuto muttered a quick good morning trailing at the end as he had lost his words as his eyes latched onto the sun’s blessed rays peaking through each strand of Akaashi’s hair, lips perfectly parted, his nose and cheeks had a faint red dusted over them. Even though there was slight notice of dark circles underneath his eyes, they somehow made Akaashi look better. He didn’t know how to compliment Akaashi’s complexion in his mind, after all the mere sight of his new friend standing in the mornings light, somehow made him lost for words.

He thought Akaashi looked-

“Good morning to you to Bokuto-san”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was kinda sad to write ngl


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiraeth (Welsh pronunciation: [hɪraɨ̯θ, hiːrai̯θ]) is a Welsh word for longing or nostalgia, an earnest longing or desire, or a sense of regret. The feeling of longing for a home that no longer exists or never was. A deep and irrational bond felt with a time, era, place or person.

“Akaashi!”

Grabbing hold of the setter’s attentions, eyes on each player’s position on the court but also on the middle blockers on the other side of the net. Beads of sweat rolling down his face, slowing seeping through his clothes.

Seeing their star ace, in the top five in the country, running up and preparing for a quick attack, obviously this meant that the middle blockers would have all eyes onto Bokuto. Debating the pros and cons in his head, even though Bokuto had scored dozens of points, a few spikes had been completely shut down. Was it worth the risk? Bokuto was up against a three-person block and their libero was more than capable to save the ball and get it back to their setter.

Mentally saying fuck it as Akaashi had no more time to spare he made up his mind. It was worth the risk despite them being so close to winning the second set.It was the last game of the year, they had to make it count. 

Konoha had received the ball perfectly playing right into Akaashi’s hands, the middle blockers bending their knees, aching thigh muscles tensing up. The cheers of people in the stands, the slam of volleyballs on different courts. All perfect distractions.

Pushing down on the balls of his feet for a more accurate set, he had to make it believable, it had to pass right through the middle blockers. Just before the middle blockers had jumped up to block the on coming spike, the point had already been scored. The libero hadn’t been quick enough to receive Akaashi’s setter dump. It all came down for this last winning point, one more point and they would win the game.

Akaashi wiped away the sweat from his brow, turning round to face the rest of his team that were cheering out his name. The ringing from the stands and teammates had worked its way into his ears, closing his eyes as he fought the aching pain seizing his whole body. He only had roughly around ten seconds to breath before diving head first into the deep end of the game.

Washio made his way to the end of the court, ball in hand. Using around three seconds after the whistle had blown to prepare for his jump serve.

Spacing out on the court at the end of a game that Akaashi should be concentrating on, he couldn’t focus on Washio’s serve or whatever the opposing team was doing. In a world of his own. It was like every muscle in his body was on fire, burning through him, he didn’t want to put any more effort in. Hadn’t he already done enough? Didn’t he deserve a rest? All Akaashi wanted to do was put in the minimum amount of effort into his next move, even though that small voice in the back of his mind was slowly fading out. Not even its dying wishes for Akaashi just to push a little further was persuasive enough to convince him to take another step.

He didn’t understand why he had thought to what had happened before the second set of the game but it forced its way into his mind and wouldn’t let him just drop it either.

Before the second set had started, their team had to take a moment to encourage each other. After their words of determination and devotion it seemed like everything was set into place other than Bokuto. They had just about managed to win the first set by the skin of their teeth, a one-point difference thanks to an error from the opposing team.

No body was going to blame Bokuto for the majority of his spikes getting completely shutdown by the other team’s strong block, but Akaashi could tell he blamed himself. From the way how he tried to encourage the other players, he was the ace after all, he couldn’t give up that easily. He had to lead the others too, he wouldn’t allow himself to drag the others down either. Despite how he acted Bokuto still sulked like a small child, he couldn’t afford to mess up and here he was sulking.

The team had encountered this reaction way too many times before, mostly during training, they had a way around it. But right now, it just wasn’t working. Akaashi wasn’t always the one to encourage others it was hard enough to hype himself up let alone other people.

He couldn’t just leave his friend like that though. Bokuto had helped everyone get pumped up too, even the crowd was more lively than usual.

“Bokuto-san...I’m not the type to give encouragement, pushing that aside I want you to know that you’re not alone on the court...you’ll never be alone.” Waiting until he had seized Bokuto’s attention to continue after calling out his name, his voice almost above a whisper as the spoke the last four words, just enough for Bokuto to hear him and not the team who eavesdropped on them.

Bokuto took a deep breath, letting it calm him down as he nodded in reply, eyes wide filled with determination. He wasn’t going to allow Akaashi’s words of motivation go in vain.

They were going to win this.

Just like the light at the end of the tunnel, he heard a voice. Bokuto’s voice.

Turning his head round to face the direction of where it came from, he saw their star player. Bokuto didn’t shout out his name nor yell nor whisper, instead it just flowed out of his mouth, like Bokuto was the only one in the world who was made to say his name.

Just like that he wanted to take the next step. Just like that he wanted to push a little more forward. Just like that his own mind and body had the motivation to train a little harder, to be able to fight back, to be able to put in the maximum effort to give 100% to his team. 

Focusing on receiving the ball into his hands, thanks to Konoha. He didn’t have to worry about keeping an eye on Bokuto. He knew he would be there.

The ball landed gracefully into his fingers as he jumped up to meet it, grazing the balls surface before he pushed it away again. Carefully getting the right angle, sending it straight into the ace’s hands.

And just for a moment his and Bokuto’s eyes connected. It was short lived but everything paused so that they could gaze into each other’s eyes, for whatever reason, Akaashi was happy that the universe had granted him this moment. Bright golden iris’s starring back into his own.

As Akaashi descended down to the ground, all time around him slowed. Stealing away the air from his lungs, he didn’t even bother trying to draw it back in, as his whole entire body and soul was fixated onto him.

It was clear as day to anyone who looked into the reflection of Akaashi’s eyes. The vivid picture of Bokuto, flying.

With the flick of his wrist, Bokuto raised his palm lining it up with the centre of the ball, perfectly, all thanks to Akaashi’s concentration on his set. Everything came down to this moment, but all that Akaashi could even think of was the way how Bokuto soared through the air. The cries from the crowd weren’t even forcefully drowned out, it just became silent, like nothing even mattered. Other than the scene right before Akaashi’s eyes.

He knew he was looking at a star player, a future star. It was obvious to anyone.

Everyone who focused on the game in front of them, sucked in their breath and tensed as they watched Bokuto break through the middle blockers. It truly was a sight to see.

It became silent, only able to hear the ball drop into the other side of the court, time had returned to normal and the blow of the whistle, let them know that that was the winning point.

The screams and cheers from the crowd filled their ears, making them all overjoyed and so grateful that they had won.

Akaashi didn’t say a word scared that he would choke on his words, hugging his team mates as they celebrated their victory. The air around them was filled with laughter at how the crowd chanted out Bokuto’s name fuelled his ego. Sick of hearing him shout back ‘hey hey hey’, they dragged him by his collar to join in with the team’s victory hug. Arms resting on top of each other’s shoulders, smiling away and letting out sighs of relief.

Time after time Akaashi still found his eyes finding Bokuto’s own, he managed to give him a small smile that was returned with a huge grin. How could Akaashi keep in his happiness when Bokuto grinned at him like that?

Akaashi wasn’t sure if this was the first time but he was glad that Bokuto was his friend. 

After thanking the other team for the game as well as the support from the crowd, they went to stretch and change in the team changing rooms. Chattering among themselves about how they were planning to go out for a so called ‘victory meal’.

“I heard the place near there was good”

“You mean the one that just opened?”

“Yeah, is everyone good with that?”

Akaashi had only just listened into the plans not entirely sure of where they were planning to eat.

Throwing his dirty clothing into one bag and zipping up his jacket, he couldn’t go even if he wanted to, so he kept quiet. He would tell Konoha that he wouldn’t join before they left. Making sure that Bokuto wouldn’t try and persuade him to come with them and enjoy the fun.

Greeted with the late evenings cold air as they all took their first step outside.

Akaashi walked side by side with Konoha, they both let the group walk a little further ahead of them.

“I thought I would let you know that I’m not coming tonight, I’m sorry” His monotone voice showing no sign of emotion behind it, like usual.

Konoha wasn’t surprised by this it wasn’t the first time Akaashi had turned down a meal after a game let alone skipping out on practice or even school days. It wasn’t like he wasn’t worried about Akaashi but there were no signs of anything maybe he didn’t look closely enough no matter how hard he looked, Akaashi was just generally a busy guy.

He felt bad that Akaashi couldn’t join in with the fun, he wanted him there and so did the team. Konoha decided that he would have to plan in advance with Akaashi, making a mental note to ask the setter to check his calendar before inviting him out.

“It’s okay you don’t have to apologise I know you’re a busy guy” There was a slight note of hesitation in his voice.

“Yeah, busy.” Akaashi’s eyes trailing off towards the ground. He didn’t want to loo his friend in the eye.

“Well, I’ll be going now if Bokuto asks just tell him that I’m busy thanks.” Ending off the conversation, not letting Konoha have the chance of saying goodbye, or even saying good bye to the team before setting off on to his own path.

Akaashi didn’t glance back at the team who had already forgotten about him, instead he looked up into the orange dusted sky, sighing as he walked back home.

“Hey Konoha where’s Akaashi?” Bokuto looked around his team starting to worry as he couldn’t seem to find the familiar pair of grey eyes and dark hair.

“He had somewhere to be said he was busy.” The news of Akaashi skipping out on yet another meal out suddenly weighed down everyone’s spirits, especially Bokuto’s. Shoulders slouched and legs heavy, dragging their feet as they walked to the restaurant, they had picked out earlier. No said a word about Akaashi’s disappearance, making small talk with each other but no matter how hard they tried to get Bokuto involved, he would just make blunt replies. He wasn’t in the mood to talk, not without Akaashi being able to celebrate with them. Bokuto started to hate the thought of Akaashi not being able to be here with them, with him.

In the next hour the team had been seated, ordered their food and now finishing up. Bokuto tried his hardest not to let his mood be dampened by todays earlier events, but it pained him that he was having fun without Akaashi. It didn’t it feel right, it felt wrong to be laughing with out him, he was still hopeful that there would be more times like this. Akaashi wasn’t going to be busy all the time, the team would still have plenty more wins to celebrate over. It wasn’t the end of the world if Akaashi missed out on tonight.

The team still wanted him there with them but they didn’t let it ruin the mood they were all in.

“We should plan another meal out when Akaashi is free.” Konoha spoke up, as the rest picked at their food. The others didn’t say a word a few hummed in agreement the rest nodded.

“Let’s send him a picture, let him know that were missing him!” Bokuto quickly pulled out his phone not giving anyone the chance to refuse.

Posing in various weird positions, Bokuto held up his phone just about managing to fit in the whole team including himself, with a few clicks and snapping sounds. Bokuto had managed to take the best team selfie.

Showing the team, the best one and they all started to make fun of each other’s poses. All laughing until their sides hurt and their head becoming feint. Drawing closer to the end of the night. Forgetting to actually send the photo to Akaashi. They all split the end bill equally, said their good byes, heading off in different directions.

It wasn’t a long walk for Bokuto but it sure was a lonely one. Only with his thoughts for a friend he was suddenly reminded about the photo he had taking. Making a sensible decision to send it when he got home as it grew darker with every step, he took home.

With the rattle of his key chain and the click of locks, he walked into his home, taking of his shoes and leaving his volleyball bag by the door.

Sluggishly he strolled past his family who were just finishing up dinner. Choosing to ignore their questions with a low grunt as he trudged upstairs and into his room.

Collapsing into the comfort of his own bed. Feeling the softness of the blankets and warmth it was providing him, it felt close to heaven. After a good ten minutes of relaxation, he pulled out his device, groaning loudly as its bright light burned away at his eyes. 

Sitting up and switching positions to lay down onto his back, only then to change to lay on his side. Swiping down through his chats to find his and Akaashi’s.

Typing away, not thinking it through, too tired to give it another thought as he hit send. Then waiting for the picture to upload before setting it down onto his bed side table and instantly drifting off.

Akaashi on the other hand laid wide awake, and had been for some time. Stomach growling at him as a sort of reminder to eat, too tired to move. He had lost all his remaining energy too reach over to grab his phone when it went off. The ping like noise echoed around his four walls.

Finally mustering up the energy to roll over and reach out for his device, curiosity getting the better of him. Bright light blinding his sight for a few seconds, before his eyes adjusted to its illuminating glow. Cold tips of his fingers unlocking his phone and not taking long before finding his newest message. Sent from Bokuto.

Even more curious to find out what he had sent but assuming it was more a message going along the lines of ‘how are you?’ or ‘did you make it home okay?’. That’s what their conversations generally consisted of.

Akaashi wasn’t entirely sure of what he should be feeling as his eyes widened at the sight of a photo of the team. His chest starting to constrict as his feelings began to tighten around him like a boa constrictor finishing of its prey. Generally, he never felt this type of guilt or loneliness when it came to his team mates but now, he felt that he should’ve risked it. He should’ve risked it so he could’ve spent those moments with them.

The emotion that coursed through his body and flowed within his veins after being contaminated by his hollow heart, left him in a state of longingness, a state of vulnerability where he so desperately wanted to go back in time risk it all, just for one night where he could enjoy himself. Just one night where he didn’t have to constantly have anxiety loom in the shadows, lurking in the dark never pouncing but always there.

He missed his friends. He missed Konoha. He missed Bokuto. He missed being able to live.

Akaashi had spent so much time wallowing in his own self-pity that he hadn’t seen the message underneath the photo.

From Bokuto: We all missed you ☹

From Bokuto: Hopefully you won’t be able to miss next time

Next time...yeah next time.

When even was next time going to be?

Pushing aside the heavy question before it drove him insane, dropping the phone as it fell onto the bed and slipped onto the floor. Automatically switching off.

Akaashi rolled from his side and onto his back, starring up into the all to familiar celling that he found himself starring at during the many hours of the night.

Lifting up both hands and gazed at their silhouettes in the darkness of his room, changing their positions ever so often. Finding himself more fascinated by their shape and size, than his feelings from earlier. Akaashi was sure that it was a desperate distraction.

It had worked well; he knew that because he didn’t notice the hot tears escape the cells of his eyes or the damp patch near his ears where they had seeped into the material of his bed sheets.

\--Two Months Later –

“Hey hey hey!”

“Good morning Bokuto-san”

“Be happy Akaashi! Its another day!”

Mentally sighing at how energetic Bokuto could be in the mornings.

“I’ll try.” Akaashi held onto the phone a little tighter as he fell back onto his bed. He was content with himself in that moment and he hopped that Bokuto felt the same way too.

“You know what Akaashi?”

“What Bokuto-san?” His heart starting to beat a little faster. Now the echo of the beat grew louder in his ear with each passing second.

“Let’s go out today!” Bokuto’s enthusiasm reaching through the phone.

There it was. Akaashi dreaded every time Bokuto had went to go ask him out or anyone for that matter. It’s not that he couldn’t it was the fact that he was afraid. A deep-rooted fear implanted into the very depths of his mind.

He wanted to go out with Bokuto and various other people who had asked him to join in their weekly outings but memories of the past flashed back into his mind, veering him into a state of panic and denial.

Despite everything else that had happened, Akaashi still managed to find excuses to not go out and meet up with his friends, if he was correct then it must’ve been the sixth time, he had turned them down. It had already become a problem with practice and school, he would admit that it was becoming better, but, no matter how hard he tried to fight it, Akaashi was deemed powerless against this. It was out of his control, missing practice and days of school, Akaashi couldn’t afford to turn this down. It was becoming suspicious and before he could even get a hold of the situation it would spiral out of his control if people found out.

“Bokuto-san...” He already knew what Akaashi would say, but this was like the tenth time that Akaashi would say no to going out, what made him so busy? Surely, he would be free today.

“Please Akaashi, it won’t be for long! I’ll make it quick and we can do whatever you want to do!”

Akaashi honestly didn’t know what to say. Was it worth the risk?

Debating the pros and cons in his head, even though his father was out for today he never made it specific what time he would be back. He could use that to his advantage.

“Akaaaashiiii you never come out with us pleaseee just for one dayyy” 

“Okay I’ll come out with you today but I can’t stay out for long.” Bokuto’s whining finally pushed Akaashi to make a decision. 

Jolting slightly at the loud happy noises that came from the other end of the phone.

“Okay okay umm I’ll walk round to yours! I’ll be roughly 20 minutes maybe half an hour, that should be enough time for you to get ready right?” Bokuto had already begun to pace around his room, looking for clean clothes in the bundles of clothing that scattered his floor. Quickly slipping into a pair of black jeans and started to search for a hoodie of some sorts.

“Okay Bokuto-san I’ll see you soon.” Ignoring all the various back ground noise with the occasional thump, Akaashi sat down onto the side of his bed. Contemplating.

“Alright I’ll be quick don’t worry.”

“Good bye”

“Yeah, bye Akaashi” And with that they ended the call. Both of the boys getting ready for their day out together.

It had approximately been twenty minutes and Bokuto still hadn’t shown up yet. Akaashi wasn’t worried or getting inpatient, his mind was blank. Starring at the same walls that watched him grow up into the person he was today.

The knock at the door made Akaashi flinch subconsciously, realising that it was only Bokuto. He had nothing to fear about.

“Hello Bokuto-san.” Making the first attempt to start of a conversation with Bokuto as he locked his front door, checking it twice before he and Bokuto begun to walk down the garden path.

“Sooo what did you want to do?”

“I’m happy to do whatever you want to Bokuto-san.” Akaashi’s eyes fixated onto the pathway ahead of them.

“But I said we can do what ever you want to” Pouting at the end of his sentence, turning his head to face Akaashi.

Straightening out his bad posture as an idea visible popped into Bokuto’s head.

“I think we should go into town and take a look around considering the fact that you can’t stay out for long either.” Bokuto’s mood instantly becoming brighter at his big idea.

“Did I use the word considering right Akaashi?” His earlier on bright mood dimmed slightly by his confusion.

“Yes, you used it right Bokuto-san and thank you for remembering, I think it’s a good idea.”

At the begging of their walk towards the shopping district it may have been a little awkward but in no time, they were absentmindedly talking about volleyball and upcoming games, mainly Bokuto spoke about being the ace and how he can improve. Even though Akaashi didn’t have much of an input he gladly listened to Bokuto ramble on. Akaashi knew he was going to become a star player one day; it was as clear as day to anyone he took a good look at how Bokuto played or listened to how passionate he was about the sport.

Akaashi admired his ambition and perseverance.

It wasn’t long before they had reached their destination. It had been so long since Akaashi had gone out with a friend that he had forgotten what it was like or what to do. So, he just stared in awe, taking in his surroundings, he didn’t know the next time he would be seeing this again.

“Hey Akaashiii whatcha looking at?” Bokuto turned round to face him then glanced in the same direction as Akaashi.

“Just that café over there, figured that you might want a drink after all that walking Bokuto-san.”

“It does look good...come on let’s go!” Holding onto Akaashi’s wrist he pulled him over towards the café, a little too excited.

“Ohh okay” Akaashi didn’t have much say in the matter but he didn’t mind.

Pushing open the door and stepping into the café, joining the end of the queue. As they both waited patiently in line, they discussed what drinks they would get and they both settled on an ice tea, of course different flavours.

Another couple of minutes passed and they had collected their drinks, they had decided earlier in line that they would sit down in one of the booths to rest after their lengthy walk.

Bokuto sipped on his drink becoming easily distracted by passers-by. Eyes gazing off into the distance. Akaashi on the other hand, was trying to control the shaking of his leg. Its movement, unknown to Akaashi, had started to shake the table now too.

Bokuto had noticed the ripples of motion in his cup, eyes diverting to the table. It didn’t take him long before he had figured out the source of the minor problem. He was debating on whether to ask Akaashi about it or ask him if he was okay but then he would risk embarrassing him. He had only just got him to come out with him, he didn’t want to risk it. He couldn’t.

“Hey do you wanna go now?” Bokuto had tried to be discrete about noticing but Akaashi had caught on.

“Yeah...I’m sorry about that Bokuto-san.” Akaashi rubbed the outside of his arm, not knowing what to do, he honestly didn’t mean to ruin this. Throwing away their near empty plastic cups into the bin, both nervously walking out of the café.

“It’s fine Akaashi you didn’t do anything wrong but is everything okay?” Bokuto sounded genuine in how he asked Akaashi, he did care. They were friends after all.

“Yeah, yeah I’m all good thank you.”

Bokuto just gave him a thumbs up and a bright grin, looking away again, trying to find something to distract himself. Something was off, he knew there was something Akaashi wasn’t telling him or couldn’t tell him. No matter how much he pushed these thoughts to the back of his mind and tried to focus on their day out; every time he set his eyes on Akaashi he couldn’t help but wonder.

For the rest of their day out Bokuto didn’t bring any of his earlier thoughts or worries. He was too nervous to ask but also afraid that if he did something bad would happen as a result.

He had only known Akaashi for a few months despite that he couldn’t shake off this feeling.

Now he frequently found himself laying down in his bed, his thoughts of Akaashi keeping him up late at night. He was bound to ask him sooner or later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this chapter was kinda happy thought I would give you guys a happy one before the next one :)


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiraeth (Welsh pronunciation: [hɪraɨ̯θ, hiːrai̯θ]) is a Welsh word for longing or nostalgia, an earnest longing or desire, or a sense of regret. The feeling of longing for a home that no longer exists or never was. A deep and irrational bond felt with a time, era, place or person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter could be triggering to people, a fair warning before you read on.

It had always been a usual reoccurrence with Akaashi, his friends would ask if he was busy or not, and he would always turn them down making up various excuses. His team mates caught on quick to this. They would still invite him out but would always be prepared to be hit with a ‘oh sorry I can’t make that date’ or ‘one of family members is moving I have to help them’. At this point they were fed up with excuses, they all wanted to know the real reasons, they had tried before but it ended up in harsh arguments. They believed it would be best not to pry into Akaashi’s personal life.

Bokuto on the other hand tossed and turned in his bed, scuffing up the freshly laid bed sheets. His body ached all over, tired from the vigorous training he put himself through, however his mind couldn’t be more active. He and Akaashi had become good friends, some would even say close. Bokuto knew he could count on Akaashi if he had a problem but it felt to him as if Akaashi couldn’t come to him for help.

Even though it may be out of his control or whatever it was, Bokuto knew he could help in some small way. He wanted to be there for his friend. In all honesty he couldn’t bear to see Akaashi not be able to play whether it was he couldn’t attend practice (which was more often than most) or see him physically not able to or not even come to school some days.

It worried Bokuto deeply, he cared about Akaashi a lot more than he cared to admit and seeing his closest friend in this state hurt. It hurt a lot.

Over the course of the next two weeks Bokuto reminded himself to observe Akaashi more than usual, to see if there was any tell tales or signs of something wrong. It could all be some big misunderstanding, well at least that’s what he hopped for.

During the next two weeks Bokuto had trailed every step Akaashi made, obviously in secret, acting like some type of undercover agent in a spy movie.

“Bokuto-san what are you doing?” Akaashi had caught onto this earlier on in the first week.

“Ummm training to be a spy?” They both stood in the corridor, Bokuto caught red handed.

“A spy?”

“Yes.” Akaashi brushed this off as one of Bokuto’s more childish acts.

They both continued to go about their day, Bokuto still watching Akaashi with a close eye, wearier that Akaashi knew what he was trying to do.

The rest of the team had also noticed Bokuto acting stranger than normal, brushing it off the same way that Akaashi had done. It might’ve been pot luck but Akaashi attended practice every day and didn’t miss parts of the school day either for the most of two weeks.

Even though this did reassure him that Akaashi was okay, he still couldn’t shake the feeling. The same feeling that had been plaguing him for some time now, it was like that he shouldn’t trust these easy going two weeks, like he should be paying closer attention. To Bokuto it was like playing a game of chess in the dark and he didn’t know the first thing about the game or how to play, he didn’t understand it. The more thought he put into it the more difficult it became to understand.

But to Bokuto’s surprise a message had appeared onto his screen, he didn’t expect anyone to be messaging him in the late hours of Thursday night. Reaching over to his phone he didn’t need to pull it any closer to him to see who it was from. Shooting into an upright position, a shock of urgency rushing through him. 

From TheBestSetter: Hello Bokuto-san

From TheBestSetter: I wanted to let you know that I won’t be there for tomorrow mornings practice, sorry

From TheBestSetter: I’m not too sure if I will be at school either

To TheBestSetter: ☹

To TheBestSetter: I’ll let the team know

To TheBestSetter: Are you okay? ☹

From TheBestSetter: I’m fine Bokuto-san just feeling a bit under the weather

To TheBestSetter: Oh okay well I hope you feel better soon

From TheBestSetter: Thank you Bokuto-san

From TheBestSetter: Good night

To TheBestSetter: Good night 😊

Bokuto had always dreaded receiving messages from Akaashi, it’s not like he didn’t like him or anything it was more they always tended to be bad news like this. However maybe it was a good thing, Konoha has known Akaashi longer than anyone it would be a good chance to speak to him before practice or during the school day if Akaashi ended up not coming.

All of a sudden, he became weighed down with nerves. Scared as to what he would find, Bokuto tried to not let his thoughts slip into assuming the worst about Akaashi.

The new day came quicker than expected for Bokuto as heavy feet were dragged along the concrete as he made his way into the gym. Greeting everyone with a yawn and dark eye bags.

“Woah this is new” Konoha emerged from one of the gym’s storage rooms.

“Yeah, I didn’t get much sleep last night” Bokuto dropped his bags with a thud by the benches.

“No shit sherlock” Both laughing it off in the early morning.

It was another five minutes into practice before they started to question where Akaashi was.

“He said he wasn’t feeling good last night so he’s not coming this morning but I don’t know if he will come into school yet.” After listening to Bokuto’s answers they turned back to the court, focusing on drills.

Just before Konoha had joined them he came to a quick stop when Bokuto tapped him in the shoulder.

“After practice is it okay if I can talk to you?” He didn’t want to come as nervous but he couldn’t help the shakiness in his voice.

“Yeah, sure you can umm we can talk in the changing room once everyone is gone, how does that sound?” Konoha gave Bokuto a reassuring smile, something that he was desperately in need off.

“Yeah, Thanks Konoha.”

“No problem.”

It became a struggle for Bokuto to concentrate on his spikes, receives and literally anything at this point. Bokuto wasn’t one to overthink things that was Akaashi’s area of expertise, however his thoughts were becoming louder with each second.

Their coach picked up on his quickly, advising Bokuto to take a moment to collect his thoughts. There was only around ten minutes till the end of practice, he could make up for it later. Trudging to the toilets, running his fingers through his messy hair. Hands balancing out his weight as he rested them onto the sides of the sink.

_Why am I feeling like this?_

Letting his head hang low as his sigh echoed around the empty walls.

He had turned on the tap, white noise filled his ears, bringing his head down as he felt the cold-water trickle through his hair and down his face. The longer he left his head under the running water and the colder it became, the more relief washed over him.

_Why can’t I stop thinking about him?_

Frustrated by his own thoughts, the cold water could only do so much. Slapping his cheeks forcefully, leaving behind a faint pink outline of his hands, lifted up his head starring intensely into the mirror. He could do this, he could do it, all he was going to do was ask about Akaashi. He still couldn’t seem to understand the unusual ache in his chest that had started to spread. 

_But please don’t be anything bad._

By the time had sorted himself out well tried to collect his thoughts together, it still was a mess in his head but he had had time to think, practice had already ended. Sorting out a few stray hairs before walking out of the bathroom and into the boys changing rooms.

Greeting everyone and letting them know that he was alright. It wasn’t long before everyone had already left getting ready for their first lessons of the day.

“Hey Bokuto what did you want to talk about?” Konoha approached Bokuto sitting down onto the bench near him. Nerves starting to chip away at his insides.

“Well, it’s more like I wanted to ask you something.”

“About?”

“About Akaashi” Konoha didn’t reply to Bokuto, keeping his eyes far away from his.

“Something just feels off about him and I was wondering if you knew what it is...” He trailed off and the end of his sentence, going over to sit down next to Konoha. The other boy shuffling over making room.

“So, you’ve catched on ay?”

“I don’t understand.” Bokuto tilted his head to the side showing visible confusion.

“I meant that you’ve noticed how he’s not always at practice, misses parts of the school day or just doesn’t turn up and let’s not forget about all the ‘reasons’ that explains why.” Emphasising on the reasons.

“Yeah, I’ve noticed but I don’t know why, I worry about him.” He directed his line of sight into the palms of his hands that settled nicely in between his thighs.

“We all do, no one actually knows what’s going on behind the scenes but I figured it might have something to do with his family.”

“Family?”

“Yeah, me and Akaashi are childhood friends we grew up together, see I don’t know the exact details but his parents used to argue a lot, they split up eventually and Akaashi’s mother disappeared I don’t know where but she left Akaashi and his father behind. Akaashi’s father isn’t the nicest of people either I remember him being really strict when we were younger ever since his mother left them, I doubt that he’s changed”

“That’s all I know, I don’t know what’s really going on, I don’t know if anything serious is going on and I’m pretty sure that he wouldn’t tell me either...I don’t know” Konoha trailed off at the end, hurt showing through his voice.

“I don’t know” Repeating himself, his voice barely above a whisper now.

“I can try talking to him” Bokuto wanted to at least give him some hope to hold on to.

“It’s no use me and Washio had already tried he avoided us for a straight month, we couldn’t risk it. I just don’t know what to do.”

“I can try though; I’ll ask him to come out with me on Sunday and we can somewhere and just talk maybe then he might open up it can’t be that bad can it?” As much as Bokuto wanted it to be a minor problem, the more thought he put in to it the more it became clear to him that his wasn’t exactly a minor problem. This was his first time he had faced something like this, to him he was wandering around hopelessly in the dark, searching but not knowing what for.

“I really hope that it isn’t” Konoha lowered his head down, holding it in his hands, frustrated that he couldn’t be more of a help. Frustrated with himself for letting his closest friend most likely suffer alone.

The warning Akaashi gave last night, didn’t go to waste. He didn’t come in that day.

The team defiantly noticed a shift in mood that day, Bokuto didn’t say much unless he had too and Konoha tried to distract him, but all his efforts went to waste. Nothing had even been confirmed yet but they still felt the ever-multiplying anxiety grow within them. Bokuto had never experienced something like this before, he didn’t know what to do, what to think. He had never in his life been exposed to such uncertainty.

Both of the boys drawing up conclusions but never saying them out loud, afraid that it would come true. Anything and everything were a possibility right now, and the chances that it was going to be something serious, just kept on increasing the more they thought about each and every encounter they had had with Akaashi.

Even when the two boys went their separate ways they never stopped thinking about their close friend.

Climbing up the stairs to his room Bokuto never gave dinner a second thought, trying to convince Akaashi to come out with on the week end couldn’t wait. Dinner on the other hand could.

Jumping onto his bed rebounding slightly before coming to a stop, whipping out his phone. Scrolling through his many contacts to find Akaashi’s one. Taking in a shaky breath both dialling his phone number.

Waiting impatiently for Akaashi to pick up, every time it rang panic seared through his body for a hot second.

_Come on pick up pick up pick up_

“Hello Bokuto-san.” A sense of comfort made him feel whole again as he listened to Akaashi’s voice. Quickly jumping out of his peaceful moment as he remembered what he was here for.

“Hi Akaashi, I was wondering if we can go out tomorrow?” Maybe he had rushed into this too soon. He wasn’t sure.

Bokuto was meet with silence, wondering if Akaashi was ever going to answer he softly called out his name. Bokuto wasn’t sure of there was something wrong with the connection but he could swear he heard something muffled on the other end of the line. If only he listened harder, he might’ve heard what it was.

“Hey are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m okay Bokuto-san” From the way Akaashi reassured him it almost sounded believable, Bokuto wanted to believe him, he really did.

“We don’t have to go out out, you can come round mine for the day.”

“Thank you, Bokuto-san.”

“So that’s a yes?” He couldn’t quiet manage to hold in his excitement, but his nerves still lurked in the pit of his stomach.

“That’s a yes Bokuto-san”

He couldn’t believe it, Akaashi really had agreed. Falling onto his back, letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in.

“I- umm I’ll come pick you up and we can walk back to mine.”

They ended the conversation shortly after that, saying good bye before hanging up. 

Resting a forearm over his eyes, enclosing himself in darkness for a moment Feeling his chest rise and fall, talking with Akaashi over phone somehow relaxed his whole body in its own magical way. He wasn’t sure if it was hearing Akaashi speak to him or Akaashi actually being able to come over tomorrow but whatever it was it helped reassure Bokuto. However, it got him wondering if he an Konoha were overthinking about the whole thing.

He felt like he was in denial about there being something wrong with Akaashi. Was it just his brain tricking him into believing there was? It confused Bokuto how a single person’s voice changed what he believed in.

Heavy muscles lifted himself into an upright position, his phone slipped out of his grasp falling onto the bed. Hearing Akaashi’s voice again made him doubt, it made him think twice. This was Akaashi he was talking about the same Akaashi who would look at for his team, the same Akaashi that would get straight A’s, the same Akaashi that seemed happy.

Bokuto doubted how people could hide their problems so well, sure he would’ve cracked by now right? If something really was wrong, he would’ve spoken up about it or done something about it right?

_This is all too confusing, he would’ve said something by now right?_

A low rumble coming from his stomach forced the question out of his mind. Stepping out of his room and down the stairs, the smell of cooked food overwhelming his senses making him drool in anticipation.

Bokuto’s nerves didn’t die down that night, forcing him to stay up a little later, finally his eye lids became too heavy to hold. Letting them close as he drifted off into a peaceful sleep.

Waking up with a yawn, stretching out his tired muscles. Bokuto rolled over as he reached out for his phone. Tired eyes peering at the screen. Suddenly they became wide and awake, his every movement was rushed as he became nervous as to what Akaashi had messaged him for.

From TheBestSetter: Is it okay if I come round a littler later?

From TheBestSetter: Around one if that’s okay with you

To TheBestSetter: Yeah sure

To TheBestSetter: I’ll come get you then 😊

Switching off his phone dropping it onto his bed as Bokuto dashed to the bathroom. Starting off his daily morning routine by jumping into the shower and taking a moment for some deep shower thoughts. A good half an hour later and he had finished, it was coming up to twelve, time dragging on longer than usual. The seconds stretching out to what felt like hours. Tapping his finger repeatedly on to the dinning table. Sighing as he lowered his head down onto the wooden tables surface.

He would have to go pick up Akaashi soon. What would he say? How would he act without making it suspicious to Akaashi that he was trying to figure out what is wrong with him? Too many questions with no answers.

Picking up his phone automatically going to check the time assuming that it still would be half past twelve. He couldn’t be further than right.

It was now quarter too one.

Mentally scolding himself for not keeping track of time as he gathered his things and rushed out of the house, heading towards Akaashi’s.

Dashing through the streets, reminding him to keep a suitable pace as he slowed down to a jog as Akaashi’s house became visible to they eye in the distance.

As Akaashi peered into the distance, standing outside of his house, he could see the small form of Bokuto running towards him.

“Hey Akaashi!” He called out to the other boy who had just locked his front door.

“Hello Bokuto-san” Akaashi joined and eager Bokuto who stood at the end of his front garden.

It was a short trip but the two of them found comfort in its silence. Taking notice of their surroundings more and paying attention to the beauty of nature that enclosed around them.

Both of the two boys wanting to speak up and start a conversation but nothing came to mind as they walked home.

“Welcome to my home Akaashi!” Bokuto showed Akaashi round his house, showing off his favourite parts and parts that were weird to him or strange and finally ending the tour in his bedroom, which for once was actually pretty tidy.

“You have a very nice home Bokuto, I can see why you like it so much” Akaashi sat at the end of Bokuto’s bed, unsure of what to do or say but instead looked in awe at the room.

“Yeah” His voice just above a whisper, struggling to speak as the thoughts about questioning Akaashi flooded his mind. He just had to wait for the right opportunity.

For the next hour Akaashi laid with his head hanging off of the foot of the bed with Bokuto’s legs resting on top of his stomach, Bokuto’s upper torso hanging off of the side. Blasting out music to listen too and relax they talked for what seemed like hours. But the opportunity for Bokuto to ask Akaashi never came.

As much as Bokuto wanted to ask and talk to Akaashi, he still doubted what he had seen before.

Akaashi was sitting in his room acting like a normal seventeen-year-old, laughing and talking the hours away.

Was it weird that Bokuto began to doubt Konoha’s words even more?

Seeing the smile of Akaashi’s face right in front of Bokuto erased any thought that Akaashi was suffering.

“Thank you, Bokuto-san,” Bokuto sat himself up and shifted over to Akaashi’s side.

“What are you thanking me for?” Directing his gaze towards Akaashi who looked like he was in a state of bliss with his eyes gently closed, strands of hair delicately placed on top of his forehead. Warm amber light seeped through the window bleeding out on to the boy next to him, covering the tip of his jaw to the edge of his collar bones in golden like rays. Bokuto’s eyes couldn’t help but wander further down exploring more of Akaashi, it intrigued him how the light bended at the movement of his throat as Akaashi exhaled.

“I meant thank you for inviting me over.” Bokuto wasn’t sure if it was his brain playing tricks on him but he could swear Akaashi sounded relived, the hidden hints in Akaashi’s tones began to drag him down into a spiral of never-ending thoughts. Why did he have to doubt everything he saw?

“Its okay...” It was all he could say, what could he say without dimming their moods?

“You’re welcome round anytime Akaashi.” This time it was Akaashi’s turn to gaze at Bokuto.

“Thankyou.”

Akaashi couldn’t help but at smile of the sight of Bokuto and what he had just offered him. The other boy returning the smile, laughing it off as they continued to live in the moment, comfortable in each other’s presence.

Day had turned to night and Akaashi had to leave. His absence was rather quick, Bokuto had expected him to stay at least for another hour, but as soon as Akaashi returned from the bathroom the first thing he said was that he needed to go.

Watching Akaashi leave left a subtle pain in his chest. Feeling as if he shouldn’t have let Akaashi leave, he wanted to hold onto him for just a little longer.

Bokuto laid awake at night thinking about the day they had spent together, all he could do was let his inner thoughts run wild.

He hadn’t even talked to Akaashi.

Cursing underneath his breath, not even attempting to silence his mind.

He could just out Akaashi tomorrow. They could go out to that café again. He had hope that Akaashi would agree to come out with him tomorrow.

It was early morning when Bokuto had sent the message to Akaashi, asking him if he wanted to meet up or something of the sorts.

No answer.

Getting a little paranoid, deciding that if he gave him a call he would get his answer.

No answer again.

Akaashi didn’t return any of his messages or calls on Sunday.

Practice had already started fifteen minutes ago when Akaashi walked in with a visible scowl on his face. Eye brows furrowed and biting the inside of his cheek.

None of the other players dared to go near him, afraid that they would get their ass handed to them. Konoha put his arm in front of Bokuto stopping him from trying to talk to Akaashi, explaining that it would be best to let him calm down first rather than agitate him further.

Turning round to face Konoha, giving him his best puppy dog eyes and curling his bottom lip slightly. No matter how much he wanted to go to Akaashi it would be best to leave him alone.

“Where’s my bottle?” Bokuto asked out loud, searching for his drink.

“You must’ve left it in your bag.” One of his teammates replied.

“Ahh okay, I’ll be back soon.” Bokuto jogged off towards to where the changing rooms where located.

Pushing open the door, spotting Akaashi who was rummaging through his bag pulling out a few items of clothing and placing them down onto the surface of the bench next to him. He hadn’t noticed Bokuto walk in.

“Hey Akaa-” In that moment of time everything had stopped. The air in his lungs began to suffocate him, the constriction in his chest tightened with every beat of his accelerated heart. He couldn’t take his eyes away from the sight, as tears started to form threatening to spill as Akaashi struggled for words.

The familiar empty look in Akaashi’s eyes were no more, only fear was could be seen, everything else ceased to exist. His eyes widening as he realised what Bokuto was starring at. The air was forced out of him and his throat tightened the more he looked at Bokuto, every muscle in his body ached with regret.

“I-” Nothing more than a single sound left Akaashi’s mouth, choking on his words that so desperately wanted to escape his throat and feed lies into Bokuto’s ears. How could he explain this?

Taking a cautious step towards Akaashi, fighting his body to take another step closer. The closer Bokuto got the more details he noticed. Nausea quickly finding its way into Bokuto, the more he saw the sicker he felt. Blurry eyes couldn’t concentrate on the scene in front of him.

Various shades of blue and black littered Akaashi’s lower back, with dark purple marks trailing up his spine. Parts of his upper back had been grazed, the irritated surface of his porcelain skin had turned to a light red a few scabbed over. The image of Akaashi’s body had been burned into Bokuto’s mind he could still see it clearly through blurry eyes.

Paralyzed with fear, Akaashi’s mind screamed at him to cover up, finally his body gave in to his continuous pleads. Throwing over his sweater, shoving whatever was in reach into his bag, not caring if he left anything behind, he could come back for it later. He couldn’t deal with this now, it was all too much. Bokuto would question and he would break. Not now nor ever would he talk to Bokuto about this.

_Shut up...shut up...shut up...shut up...shut up...shut up...don’t look at me like that Bokuto-san please don’t fucking look at me like that...what the fuck do you want me to do_

“A-akaashi are you okay?” Bokuto couldn’t even think straight, nothing and everything coming to mind.

“I’m fine” After taking a moment to compose himself, swallowing the lump in his throat.

“Akaashi please talk to me...tell me what’s going on please” He softly called out to the other boy who stood in one corner griping onto his bag, shaking.

“Bokuto” Akaashi’s stern voice sent shivers down his spine.

“I said I am fine”

“Akaashi please I’m your friend you can talk to me” Choking on his words as they just about managed to come out louder than a whisper.

“I said I am fine how many more times do I have to repeat myself!” Raising his voice, wanting to claw at his throat as it continued to burn.

“Akaashi what happened?” Bokuto took this as a chance to get closer to the damaged boy.

“Nothing happened! I’m fine can’t you see? Leave me the fuck alone!”

“Akaashi I’m not going to leave you alone! I know what it’s like to be alone I can help you!”

Akaashi desperately wanted to believe Bokuto’s kind words, he wanted to listen to him, he wanted more than anything in the world to tell him. How could he tell Bokuto when he could barely say a word to him now? He should’ve pushed him away when he had the chance.

_Why did I ever believe that I could be friends with him?_

_I don’t want to be alone anymore_

“How do you think you can help me? Do you really think you know how being alone feels like?” Bokuto was lost for words as Akaashi continued to shout at him, wincing at every harsh word that poured out from his mouth.

“Akaashi...”

“DON’T SAY MY NAME LIKE THAT!”

_Please say it just one more time please_

“I-I’m sorry...” Bokuto couldn’t even bring himself to look at Akaashi again.

“Please just leave me alone Bokuto-san”

_Don’t leave me alone...please_

“Akaashi please just tell me what’s going on...” Bokuto had been hurt deeply by what Akaashi had said to him but he still wanted to help him, he couldn’t just leave him like this.

“There’s nothing going on, why can’t you just understand that? WHY CAN’T YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND?”

Akaashi held onto the straps of his bag so hard that his knuckles faded to white and he could feel his nails sinking into the soft flesh of his palm.

Bokuto didn’t know what to say, every part of him wanted to give Akaashi some space, but how could he leave him like this? He couldn’t just walk away. He had to do something...anything.

Just as Akaashi began to walk away, not being able to bare this burden any longer he felt a warm hand gently holding onto his shoulder.

Before even having a second to think about his actions or remember who it was touching him, he instantly slapped away Bokuto’s hand.

Both of their faces in shock as they felt a stinging sensation on their hands. Bokuto retracted his hand to his side holding onto it and gazing down to see a faint outline of Akaashi’s hand.

Starring in absolute disbelief of what he just did to Bokuto.

Tears streamed down his face, burning his fragile skin. Shaking his head side to side slowly, whilst he backed up towards the wall, bumping into it and flinching at its sudden cold touch. Gripping onto the dents in the brick well with the tips of his fingers whispering out a sorry before throwing the door wide open and sprinting out as fast as his legs would carry him. 

“Wait...” Reaching out his arm stretching his fingertips as far as they would go, beginning that they would reach out for Akaashi, but he was already gone. Leaving Bokuto behind to stand alone in the darkness of the room.

Wiping his eyes with his sleeve before he stepped put and faced everyone. Just as he opened the door, he bumped right into Konoha who looked at him with a panic ridden face.

“Akaashi...he just ran out of here is everything okay?” Konoha questioned him, forcing himself to shut his mouth as he saw the redness that surrounded Bokuto’s eyes.

Bokuto couldn’t even say another word. He knew if he said something it would all come crashing down.

A cool breeze was blown into Akaashi’s face, freezing the tears that continued to fall down. Sniffling a little as he stared up into the morning sky, hoping that it would distract him even in the slightest. He didn’t want to think about Bokuto or what he had done to him.

He didn’t want to turn into him, it was the last thing he wanted to become, despite his wishes against it Akaashi couldn’t ignore the fact that he had lashed out like that. Akaashi never wanted to see Bokuto like that again. It was the one thing that he wished he would never have to experience again.

“I’m really turning into him, aren’t I?” Letting out a small chuckle into the wind.

_Bokuto-san I hope that you find the heart in you to forgive me, I truly am sorry_

_Is it selfish of me if I ask you to stay even if its just for a little longer?_

_Please don’t give up on me just yet._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did not mean to make it this sad...totally didn't shed a tear when writing this...not me...would also like to apologise to Akaashi...I wanna say that it gets better...


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiraeth (Welsh pronunciation: [hɪraɨ̯θ, hiːrai̯θ]) is a Welsh word for longing or nostalgia, an earnest longing or desire, or a sense of regret. The feeling of longing for a home that no longer exists or never was. A deep and irrational bond felt with a time, era, place or person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear every chapter I write I cry this one hurt alottttt

It had been two weeks since Bokuto’s and Akaashi’s argument. The team knew they had some kind of disagreement but nothing else, even Konoha was left in the dark.

Bokuto thought about trying to resolve things with Akaashi but every time he went to message him or talk to him nothing would come out. He couldn’t even bring himself to face Akaashi again, it hurt too much. Not knowing what happened deeply pained him. Bokuto tried to not let it show through, however he defiantly had his moments where he couldn’t hide it any longer.

Akaashi on the other hand had kept himself composed, keeping his face emotionless and voice monotone. However, calm he may have been on the outside he was struggling to stay afloat on the inside. Trapped in the raging waves caused by the storm deep within. He wanted to talk to Bokuto, but his subconscious warning him that he should keep his distance.

In the first week they couldn’t get the timing right of Akaashi’s spike mainly because of what had happened but Akaashi felt like he couldn’t show his face to Bokuto after hitting him, so he didn’t attend to practice for the first few days. After the shift in their dynamic the whole team was affected, its foundations beginning to crumble away. Their team managers doing their best to hold them all together, but the coach quickly caught on.

Taking Bokuto and Akaashi for a little talk outside, after that the team began to hold its own again.

Akaashi couldn’t deal with the paranoia and anxiety that came with this, finally messaging Bokuto on a late Saturday night.

To Bokuto-san: I’m sorry for what happened

To Bokuto-san: I’ll come talk to you when I’m ready too

Throwing his phone on to the other end of his bed, taking in shaky breaths. Akaashi didn’t know how to act, was he ever really going to talk to Bokuto?

The next week came quicker than expected, with the team becoming stronger by the minute, Bokuto and Akaashi had finally synced up. After countless failures they had managed to pull off a quick attack.

Both giving each other a look of surprise as euphoria flooded their bodies. The tension that mingled in the air around them reminded both of the boys of the awkwardness that was still present. 

“Bokuto! Get your head back into the game!” 

Spacing out in the middle of the first set the coaches scolding snapped Bokuto out of his trance, shaking his head a little focusing back onto the court in front of him.

Sudden cheers from the crowd and various other distracting noises from the other courts next to them all were poured into Bokuto’s ears. Drowning out his own thoughts and heartbeat, it felt damn near too impossible to focus on anything.

Eventually he got back into the rhythm after scoring a point or two. Even though Bokuto wasn’t at 100%, his senses were sharp enough to keep up with the directory of the ball. Not even his line of sight fell back onto the setter. As much as he wanted to steal a glance or two from Akaashi, it felt wrong. Bokuto wanted to look at him and pay attention to him, not in some creepy stalker like way but more of worried for him?

Anxiety about Akaashi and everything else was starting to eat him up, never giving him a single chance to heal and recover. It was like all his efforts were for nothing as his emotions sent him spiralling back into square one.

He just couldn’t seem to shake the message Akaashi had sent earlier, he had a million questions but at the same time he had nothing to ask. Akaashi said that he would come to him when he’s ready too, Bokuto knew he shouldn’t be doubtful despite that he still couldn’t help but wonder if Akaashi will ever be ready too.

_Focus...focus on the game..._

Giving in to his temptations as he swivelled his head round take a glance at the setter in front of him.

_...see nothing to worry about right now...he’s doing just fine...calm down...see look Akaashi is preforming really well...nothing to worry about right now_

Seeing Akaashi playing to the best of his ability brought new comfort to Bokuto, finally letting his mind relax with his body. Loosened muscles began to tense up again, preparing for some type of attack.

As the game progressed the first set was coming to an end with Fukurōdani with a five-point lead, each point paving their way to victory. The team was elated that they had managed to build a bigger gap in the scores. The cheer squad grew louder, rising spirits in their song.

Akaashi felt the euphoria sway around his head, for once he felt like he could really enjoy the moment. The child inside him jumped around in excitement, his body had started to become lighter lifting off a weight he had become so used too. Akaashi couldn’t help but allow his face to pull a small smile as his sets became more accurate. In that moment of time, it was like everything in his past and the anxiety ridden thoughts of Bokuto had disappeared from his mind giving him the freedom to breathe.

Akaashi hadn’t even glanced into the crowd for a split second but as soon as he did his eyes were met with a pair he never wanted to look into again. The smile from beforehand was wiped clean from his face, leaving not even a trace that there ever even was a one there. Any sort of happiness he had felt before had been extinguished by those piercing cold dark eyes. One look was all it took for Akaashi to crumble on the court. 

Starting to fidget about with his hands nervously as his palms began to sweat intensely, wiping them down on the hem of his jersey. Trying to get a hold back onto his breathing as he had let it slip earlier making it erratic now. Fighting a losing battle in his own mind as Akaashi tried to balance himself on his own two feet.

Embarrassment clawed away in his mind as the individual stares from each and every person from the court, the stands and anyone who could see him burned at his skin. He couldn’t take it. He couldn’t deal with this right now. Akaashi wanted to tell Bokuto so badly and Bokuto had given him time to think about how and what way was right to say it, but now this was all too much.

The weight was pushed back onto shoulders again and every single step or slight movement he made drained him physically and mentally. Fighting a losing battle he never thought he could win. Despite the constant pleads and screams from his mind he couldn’t lose himself. Not now. Not ever.

_Don’t look...he’s not there...he never was there its just a trick of the light or something...yeah, it’s just my brain playing tricks on me...come on I can do this...can’t I?_

Eyes slowly trailing over to the grey-haired boy and just for a single moment it was just the two of them, alone. Wide eyes filled with worry Bokuto couldn’t do anything. He hadn’t a clue what was going on and he wanted to help Akaashi so badly that it hurt. Seeing that look on Akaashi’s face crushed his soul.

_What happened? Please Akaashi tell me what’s wrong...I can’t grantee that I can make it better but please you don’t have to be alone..._

No matter how loud and good Bokuto’s thoughts were they would never reach Akaashi’s ears. His soft pleads and begs would never be heard. Bokuto couldn’t think about anything more tortuous than this.

Mistake after mistake just ended up making Akaashi panic even more. Eyes darting to the crowds daring him to find that man again then shifting back onto the court. His own body wouldn’t listen to him anymore as the constriction in his chest became too tight leaving no room to breathe. Konoha had started to notice Akaashi’s unusual behaviour and the heavy rise and fall of his chest.

After a few more slip ups caused by Akaashi’s ‘nerves’ the coach finally decided to pull him out. Swapping Akaashi for another new setter that they had on the team. This would obviously have a minor impact on how the team would play but to Akaashi he felt as if he was being left behind. He couldn’t help but listen to the voices that filled his head, nothing else called out to him like they did. Nothing could persuade him more than they could.

Cradling his head in his hands as he let his leg bounce up and down repeatedly. Akaashi’s shaky breaths had finally convinced his coach to let him take a breather outside with the assistance of one of their managers. “Hey come on Akaashi” Her gentle voice didn’t do a thing to sooth the anxiety that coursed through his veins, despite that he went along with her any way it was better than staying on the bench.

Bokuto watched Akaashi leave with the girl who hand her hand on his shoulder. He didn’t understand the envy he had towards their team manager; she had been so nice to him but something about her touching Akaashi lit a spark deep within. Brushing of the feeling and thoughts of that dark haired boy, forcing himself to look away and focus on the game. If Akaashi couldn’t play Bokuto would make sure that they would win for him. Even though he didn’t want to prove that they could win without him. Bokuto didn’t want to win without Akaashi there but maybe their win would cheer him up a little? Maybe he would blame himself if they lost the match?

The girl pushed open the door for Akaashi and had started to lead him towards the entrance where there where multiple flower beds and places to rest. As much as Akaashi wanted to let out the pent-up stress that had started to overflow his body couldn’t with stand it anymore he couldn’t afford to break down here.

_Just keep it together a little longer_

“Akaashi”

The sound of that voice paralysed his whole body, not even daring to move an inch forward. He hadn’t even made it out of the building yet. Nothing came to mind yet he could hear the fear rush throughout his body.

“Face me when you’re talking to me.”

Obeying his command like a dog; Akaashi turned round to face the man before him.

“Yes father” Staring at his father’s feet, he couldn’t bring himself to look into those eyes again.

“I want you to come with me” Every fibre of Akaashi’s being wanted nothing more than to run and hide. Even in the face of danger his body wouldn’t listen to anything he said.

“Hi you must be Akaashi’s father, nice to meet you but Akaashi is here to cool down and then back to the court sorry about that” Silently thanking the girl standing by his side, hopefully she could convince him.

“It will only take a minute.”

“But...”

“No buts he’s my son and I wish to speak to him...come on Keiji.” Grabbing hold of Akaashi by his wrist and pulled him forward, his father quickly becoming bored of their short conversation.

“ _I’m sorry_ ” he whispered out to the lone girl. She stood dumbfounded by his father’s actions but after a second or two she made her way back to the court, most likely to tell the coach.

“Yeah, his father came out of nowhere and dragged him away from me, he said he will only be a couple of minutes but we don’t have long until the next set...” Their manager explained to the coach worried if Akaashi would come back.

Snapping his head round to the girl chatting away, his ears picking up on ‘ _father nowhere dragged away_ ’. Almost in an instant he had appeared in front of the girl trying to rid his panicked appearance.

“I’ll go and get him! It’s been a few minutes anyway!” Trying his hardest to put up a mask to hide what he was actually feeling Bokuto prayed that this was enough to persuade him.

“Just be quick.”

With the coach’s approval Bokuto raced off towards the door and out to search for his friend.

Time was running short as Bokuto looked through every hallway and passage he could find, calling out his name in the process. Two minutes had passed but still no sign of Akaashi.

“Aka- _shi..._ ”

The second half of Akaashi’s name came out as a whisper as he heard a distant voice. A voice belonging to none other than Akaashi’s. The thumping of his heart echoed in his ears, legs moving by themselves towards the sound of Akaashi’s voice.

Now in a full-fledged run as he raced towards his friend passing by many strangers who gave him odd looks. Bokuto didn’t care. He didn’t care if they stared at him. He didn’t care about them all he cares about is Akaashi.

Coming to an abrupt stop before he turned the corner as the voices grew louder. Hiding behind the wall he edged himself closer to the turn, cautious so that they couldn’t see him. Peering around the corner as he saw a smaller fragile raven-haired boy, Akaashi and a man standing in front of him blocking his view. The man who Bokuto recognised as Akaashi’s father was slightly taller and had a more muscular build.

Quickly going back into hiding as Akaashi’s father looked back suspicious that someone might be watching. After a few seconds of absolute silence, he turned back round to the boy. Bokuto was thankful that they didn’t notice him even thought he wanted to let Akaashi know that he was there.

“So, do you want to explain to me what that mess up on court was?”

“It was an accident-”

“Was it really? What a pathetic excuse do you really think anyone will believe that?”

Akaashi didn’t even have time to protest back before his father started up again but he knew better than to protest against him.

“Do you really think that they will let you play again after that? what a fucking joke you are”

Bokuto couldn’t endure this any longer, he peeped round the corner every now and then. He would have to stop this before something bad would happen. He had to stop those words from pouring out of his father’s mouth. No matter how good of his intentions were his body just wouldn’t listen to him. Phasing in and out of paralysis, he screamed at himself to move.

Eavesdropping once more he felt his stomach churn at the sight, ignoring the gag in his throat as he watched Akaashi’s father grip the boy by his collar lifting him on to the tips of his toes. Bokuto pleaded for Akaashi to do something anything as his own body wouldn’t listen to him. Despite Bokuto’s desires all Akaashi did was turn his head to the ground, cold empty eyes told Bokuto everything he needed to know.

This wasn’t the first time.

But Bokuto wanted to make it the last.

“Just like your mother left me because of you, your team will do the same they’ll recognise what your worth and if that hasn’t been made clear to you now, I’ll make it clear” Bokuto could clearly see the tension in Akaashi’s face but his eyes held something deeper than fear itself.

“Your nothing always have been and always will.”

Bokuto seriously couldn’t take it anymore, forcing himself to move forward and take the first step round the corner. Putting on an act making it seem as if he was looking for Akaashi.

“Akaa- oh there you are I’ve been looking all over for you!” Trying to keep his voice from shaking as Akaashi’s father had already lowered Akaashi down and turned round to face Bokuto. Instantly recognising him as the boy who stood up to him a little while back.

“Come on Akaashi the second set is starting!” Bokuto grabbed hold of Akaashi’s wrist practically dragging him away from his father. Leaving the scowling man behind.

Akaashi didn’t say a single word. His mind said it all though, overthinking as usual, asking questions like did he see, did he hear, how long was he there? Repeating them over and over again until he didn’t understand what those words meant.

As they ran back into the gym their coach stood their shaking his head at the two boys. Akaashi’s father hadn’t returned to the stands either. They later found out that they had to stall the game by a few minutes, waiting for Bokuto and Akaashi to return. Akaashi was benched for the rest of the game where as Bokuto stood on court. The second set took longer than usual without their official setter. Bokuto wasn’t on top of his game and couldn’t keep his gaze off of his friend, he wanted to be with him on that bench and tell that everything his father said wasn’t true and that it never will become true. He wanted nothing more than to comfort him. He wanted to be there for Akaashi.

Thinking to himself that if they win the game it wouldn’t hurt him too much but the fear that Akaashi would believe his fathers words if they won was still there; that was if Akaashi hadn’t already believed what he had said.

Fukurōdani had won the second set, overall winning the game and becoming victorious. In that moment when it was confirmed that they had won everyone was truly happy, Akaashi might’ve smiled and congratulated everyone but his eyes said different. After the line up and thanking each other for the game Bokuto took the chance to be there for Akaashi but he wasn’t there to receive it. 

“Hey did you see where Akaashi went?” Bokuto frantically questioned everyone on the team.

“Saw him going in the direction towards the toilets.” Konoha piped up, curious as to why Bokuto was asking but decided not to push it, not today.

“Ahh okay thanks!”

Not giving Konoha’s words a second thought as he ran towards the men’s bathrooms. Bokuto didn’t understand the weird but strong emotions that fluttered in his chest as he continued to take the next stride. All that came to mind was how hurt he felt by that man’s words even thought they weren’t directed towards him. He could only imagine how much pain they had caused Akaashi.

Bokuto didn’t have time to hesitate when he came face to face with the door to the bathroom. Opening it carefully and slowly, he couldn’t afford to bring any type of surprise to Akaashi now.

Listening in to see if he could hear type of noise to signify that Akaashi was in there. Walking past each stall checking to see if people were in there. As he drew closer to the last stall in the row, faint sounds of sniffling became clearer with each step.

Standing outside of the door he recognised the soft quiet cries to be Akaashi’s, he didn’t doubt it was him after all it wasn’t the first time he had heard them.

The boy inside must’ve noticed someone standing outside as the noises faded into silence.

Bokuto raised his hand to knock on the door but opted against it, instead he hoped his voice would bring better comfort.

“Hey Akaashi...it’s me Bokuto.”

Akaashi didn’t need Bokuto to say a word knowing that it was him. Even though his presence may have been uncomfortable at first it did relive the ache in his chest.

“I wanted to ask if you are okay i- umm I just want to make sure that you are okay.” Rushing his words at the end unsure of what to actually say.

Akaashi didn’t respond only a sniffle was heard.

Bokuto pressed his forehead against the door his palms gently resting on the surface, he knew it wasn’t the most sanatory thing to do but he wanted to be closer to Akaashi.

“I’m sorry Akaashi.”

He heard the shuffling of feet and the click of the lock. The door shifted in front of him as Bokuto stepped back wiping his eyes with his sleeves.

Red puffy eyes that had started to cool down, staring at the feet of the older boy in front of him. Hands fiddling about with each other and messy hair. Bokuto took it all in. He watched Akaashi’s nails dig into his skin for a split second, realising what he was doing his body acted almost entirely on instinct.

Placing his warm hands over Akaashi’s separating them slightly and stopping him from doing any further harm. Bokuto looked down at the crescent shaped marks that were imprinted onto Akaashi’s hands slowly trancing them with his thumb.

Akaashi looked up tears welling in his eyes, he didn’t even try to keep them from failing as he felt the comfort from Bokuto rubbing his hands gently.

They stayed like that for a few more seconds before Bokuto pulled away. As he stared into Akaashi’s teary eyes he felt his own starting to become watery. He didn’t know how long Akaashi had been dealing with this but he felt so guilty that he had been alone. Alone through it all.

Taking a step closer, so close that their chests were now touching. Bokuto tenderly placed his arms and hands around Akaashi’s back mindful to not squeeze too hard. His head placed carefully onto the side of Akaashi’s shoulder.

Akaashi’s eyes widened at the sudden touch scared to embrace it but he was in desperate need of it. Giving in as has arms quickly found themselves wrapped around Bokuto’s upper torso as his fingers gripped on tightly fearing that he would lose this, he held on tighter. Bokuto wasn’t bothered by the fingers that gripped so tightly onto him or the way how his neck and shoulder were soon wet with tears. He just wanted Akaashi to be okay.

Bokuto held onto him longer than expected, he didn’t want to lose Akaashi again.

After their fight and not speaking to each other it had taken a toll on them. It hurt to lose a friend.

Akaashi loosened his grip even though he wanted to hold on for longer. Taking in another shaky breath as he let his heavy head rest onto Bokuto’s chest. Bokuto still held onto him, he lifted his head up, the tips of Akaashi’s hair brushing softly against his lips.

“Let’s go home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bro this one hurt ngl the next one is going to be shorter but it's defiantly worth it


	6. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiraeth (Welsh pronunciation: [hɪraɨ̯θ, hiːrai̯θ]) is a Welsh word for longing or nostalgia, an earnest longing or desire, or a sense of regret. The feeling of longing for a home that no longer exists or never was. A deep and irrational bond felt with a time, era, place or person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay this chapter might be triggering to some people

The team had already left the building by the time they had let go of each other and walked back to Bokuto’s home. Bokuto had sent a text to the team group chat to go on without him and Akaashi and to let coach know to not wait for them.

As much as Akaashi felt guilty about coming over to Bokuto’s announced he really didn’t want to go back to the confined space of his room. He didn’t want to face those four dull walls anymore. All Akaashi really wanted was to be in the comfortable presence of Bokuto. The other boy couldn’t deny the fact that he didn’t want to leave Akaashi alone either.

The walk wasn’t like any other, shoulders bumping into each other more than often. Eyes darting everywhere but never falling into the sight of the person they wanted to see the most. Akaashi had no clue what was going through Bokuto’s mind. Familiar questions from earlier flagged up in his mind he couldn’t escape it now. He couldn’t lie his way out; he knew he couldn’t. Despite not having a way to break out from his inevitable fate it was more of a question of how would he explain to Bokuto. What way could he word it so Bokuto won’t push him for more information? Akaashi didn’t know.

Clashing of keys and clicks of the lock snapped Akaashi back into reality. Heart racing and staggered breathing. A hand to his chest gripping on tightly to his clothing as he followed Bokuto into the hallway. Thankful that Bokuto didn’t see his moment of panic.

He wanted nothing more than to collapse back into those arms that protected him from his harsh reality. Bokuto was the only one who could make him forget about it all. Desperate so desperate.

“Hey hey Akaashi” Softly speaking as Bokuto took a few cautious steps towards Akaashi crouching down slightly to look into those watery grey eyes.

Akaashi’s hand gripped on tighter to his clothing as he fought the urge to break down right there; he didn’t want to move but to only scream out every emotion he had locked away.

“It’s gonna be okay you’re going to be okay” His comforting words seeped into Akaashi’s skin acting as some type of pain relief. Raising his head to his closest friend, he was ashamed to make eye contact with him. Ashamed that Bokuto would judge him for being so close to tears.

“Look at my Akaashi I know what you’re thinking about but trust me you’re going to be okay I’m here for you.” Stretching out his palm gesturing for Akaashi to hold on too.

“Come on” Bokuto’s voice was barely above a whisper as he gave Akaashi another warm smile. He needed to be someone Akaashi could fall back on if he ever fell.

Akaashi took his hand in Bokuto’s, moulding in with each other. If felt right. Like with his name he didn’t anyone to hold his hand unless it was Bokuto.

Taking it step by step as they climbed up the stairs walking into Bokuto’s room. Every second had been warped and stretched to last more than a minute. The silence that surrounded the two left them thinking about all the endless possibilities of what would happen next. Impatiently anticipating for the next events to unravel themselves.

They sat on the foot of Bokuto’s bed unsure of what to say. Akaashi still hadn’t found a way to express his thoughts yet. He would never know if the time was right, but he had the chance to not suffer alone. He had the chance.

“Bokuto-”

“I wan-”

Interrupting each other as they made eye contact in what felt like hours. It brung a smile to Akaashi’s lips as he watched Bokuto let out a low chuckle.

“You go first” Calming himself down as he prepared his mind for whatever Akaashi had to say. Bokuto couldn’t lie that he wasn’t preparing himself for the worst. He wanted to give Akaashi space and time to tell him whatever the hell was going on but at the same time he couldn’t bear to see him suffer any longer.

"I don't know if the right time will ever come for m-me to tell you...but I know if I'm not able to tell you n-now...I don't think I'll ever be ready..." Trailing off at the end of his sentence. To say he was terrified was an understatement. 

Breathing in and out a few times before he continued. “I’m assuming you heard...umm what my f-father had to say earlier... he’s can be strict and err controlling most of the time...I- um he’s always...” Picking at the skin on the sides of his fingers as he nervously tried his hardest to explain everything and anything that he could manage to speak out about.

“It’s okay take your time Akaashi” Wanting to shuffle closer to the broken boy but opting against it to give him the space he so desperately needed.

“Thank you it’s just difficult...he always told me that he was looking o-out for me ever since my m-mother left...I thought the same thing too but I guess some times our arguments can get a little out of hand...I’m sorry Bokuto-san” Pausing to take in a deeper breath.

“I’m sorry for sharing my burden with you its just that family life is a little tough I don’t know how else to say he’s just looking out for my best interest...that’s all.” Sighing at the end. He had no idea how Bokuto would react, it scared him too. His head hanging low as his fingers ran through his hair roughly. He was so so tired, all Akaashi wanted to do was let lose. To let everything go even for just a moment and float in the abyss of his mind.

The silence between them just confirmed Akaashi’s fears, Bokuto would just brush this off and leave him alone. Again.

“I never thought he was looking out for you when I overheard...I don’t know how long you’ve endured this but I don’t want you too anymore.” Bokuto wanted to be honest with Akaashi, he wanted to able to speak his mind but he didn’t want to make him uncomfortable. Shuffling over on the bed he placed a gentle hand onto Akaashi’s shoulder, unsure of what to say but hopefully the comfort of his touch would help. Even in the slightest.

The sudden contact as their knees bumped made Akaashi flinch, he didn’t mean to but it was just his body acting on instinct. Hands loosening their grip on his hair, lowering down to lie onto his lap.

“You don’t need to apologize to anyone Akaashi” Continuing to rub his back Akaashi lent further into Bokuto. He missed the warm embrace from his senior, his body missed his touch.

Bokuto understood what the younger boy needed pulling him into yet another hug. He didn’t mind, overall, he too had started to miss this.

“I’m here for you Akaashi...I’m here.” Holding onto the boy almost cradling him in his arms as they gently wrapped round his upper torso. Scared he would shatter into a million pieces if he held on too tightly. Bokuto whispered out the last two words, he had been alone for so long, too long. Bearing a weight no one should have to carry alone. He needed Akaashi to know that that wasn’t the case anymore. That it will never be like that again.

As the night grew on Bokuto didn’t question anything Akaashi had told him nor did he push further. They hadn’t let go for a little longer than fifteen minutes once they did, it felt cold again but never lonely.

Bokuto’s stomach growled in hunger making Akaashi laugh for the first time that day. Both of the boys made there way downstairs in search of snacks. Finding some small appetizers nibbling on them as they waited for their meal to cook. They were the only ones occupying the house that night as the rest of Bokuto’s family was on an outing they wouldn’t arrive until the morning. Taking their chance to play music and let go.

Akaashi finally felt the weight shift, it was still there lurking in the dark but he felt the burden shift. He was more than happy that he had finally found his voice but more importantly found someone who he could trust sharing his burden with. To him that was more than happiness himself. He might not off been able to explain everything that had happened but he finally said something. To him that was worth more than gold itself.

Feeling content as he hummed along to the lyrics. Watching Bokuto singing along messing up the words a few times, letting out a laugh, he joined in.

After eating until they were stuffed, Bokuto flopped onto his bed, Akaashi following him.

It was only then did they realised Akaashi hadn’t any spare clothes or a toothbrush, it made Bokuto giggle at first but he rummaged around his wardrobe for clothes that would fit Akaashi well. In the end he couldn’t find any smaller clothing, chucking a pair of jogging bottoms and a hoodie as well as some pyjamas. Akaashi folded the clothes he would be wearing for tomorrow on one side of Bokuto’s desk. Still feeling uncomfortable with changing in front of people Akaashi opted to change in the bathroom. As he walked back into Bokuto’s bedroom, teeth brushed and ready for bed, he saw the other boy almost sulking at the foot of the bed.

“I-I umm I don’t want you by yourself tonight...so umm I want you to sleep in my bed umm if that’s okay with you though!” Bokuto had good intentions he just didn’t know how to get them across. A light pink tint dusted his cheeks, unsure of Akaashi would take it the wrong way.

“A-are you sure?” Akaashi wasn’t against the idea, it was true that he didn’t want to be alone and Bokuto’s presence made him feel comfortable.

“Yeah, I do.”

The awkward aura soon passed as the two grew more comfortable being so close. Bokuto couldn’t help but steal quick glances at Akaashi, he looked so peaceful.

From his peripheral vision Akaashi could see those golden iris’s he knew all to well. Turning his body onto his side to face the grey-haired boy. Head resting on his palms whispering out.

“Goodnight Kōtarō.”

Wide eyes stared back at Akaashi, it felt strangely weird how his name rolled off of Akaashi’s tongue like that but he liked it nonetheless.

“Good night to you too Keiji.” Now rolling onto his side to whisper back, the last thing he saw that night was Akaashi’s silhouette sound asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that it was short I didn't feel the need to prolong it any further, I really wanted to keep it short so it could have a better impact, the next one will be longer don't fret.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiraeth (Welsh pronunciation: [hɪraɨ̯θ, hiːrai̯θ]) is a Welsh word for longing or nostalgia, an earnest longing or desire, or a sense of regret. The feeling of longing for a home that no longer exists or never was. A deep and irrational bond felt with a time, era, place or person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song that inspired me to write this chapter was Smoke signals by Cavetown. As an Akaashi kinnie I felt as if this would be on his playlist.
> 
> Also 'They both die at then end' is such a good book I finished it within two days of acquiring it. 10/10 recommend.

That night the two slept safe and sound, never stirred in their sleep or jolted awake. It was peaceful. For Akaashi he had forgotten the last time he actually managed to sleep for more than a couple hours at a time. The low murmur of slurred words is what finally woke him up, he did panic for a moment but then realised that he was safe.

Hands laid limp and relaxed in the little space between him and Bokuto. His finger tips barely grazing the other boy’s chest. Just as he was about to roll and over and wake his body up fully, he felt a slight tug. Wrapped round his back loosely holding onto his side was Bokuto’s arm, eyes widening as his body was slowly being pulled in closer to Bokuto. Looking up, Akaashi’s hair tickled the underside of Bokuto’s chin, he realised what they were doing.

His cheeks instantly flushed red; his heart raced as Bokuto mumbled yet another thing in his deep sleep. No matter how much he wanted to stay like this with Bokuto, he couldn’t. His doubt and fears from last night returned as he tried to shut them out. Making an impulsive decision to leave his secure grasp. He wanted to stay.

Finally wriggling free of Bokuto’s warm clasp, sliding off the side of the bed. Bringing his hands into his lap as he gazed at the sleeping Bokuto, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. Shuddering as his feet made contact with the cold wooden floor.

Sitting on one end of the desk was the neatly folded clothes Bokuto had lent Akaashi. Picking them up with one hand as he made his way towards the bathroom. Locking the door as the turned round the other way he was met with his own reflection. Akaashi hated staring back in the mirror, afraid that it would show him what he truly is. Despite his deep-rooted fears, he found it interesting how his own reflection revealed nothing. Nothing that he was fearing. Instead, it showed him himself, nothing more nothing less. Maybe this was who he truly was. Releasing the breath he didn’t know he was holding as the person staring back in the mirror was him. It was almost as if he was ready to accept himself. Akaashi knew he wasn’t the monster that he thought himself out to be.

Even though change was new, he wanted to adapt to it.

It didn’t take long to change and brush his teeth. Akaashi never usually ate in the mornings but he found his stomach rumbling. Throwing over Bokuto’s hoodie as he made his way down the stairs. Akaashi shouldn’t have been surprised when he overheard a few people in the kitchen, Bokuto did warn him that his family would come back some time in the morning. But what he didn’t say was he didn’t tell them that he was sleeping round so when he made his way down the stairs; it looked like Akaashi had been caught red handed when in reality all he wanted to do was get a glass of water and maybe something to nibble on.

Freezing on the bottom step as two pairs of eyes were on him, he did look suspicious though, head to toe in Bokuto’s clothing and coming directly from his bedroom as well.

“Well well well what do we have here?” One of the girls spoke up the other looked as if she were about to break into a fit of laughter.

“I- um” Akaashi didn’t exactly know how to respond to them.

“Pfft- its fine don’t worry you look friendly enough.” Akaashi nodded still unsure of what to say.

Both of the girls looked similar to Bokuto with their wide golden eyes, even their hair had its resemblances and not to forget their outgoing personality.

“Sooo what’s your name?”

“Akaashi Keiji.” Taking the last step down the stairs coming closer so that he could introduce himself.

“Ooohhhhh so your Akaashi ay” The girl with the lighter grey hair came to him looking as if a light bulb had gone off above her head and started to nudge him with her elbow. Akaashi raised an eyebrow at the girl confused at what she meant.

“Bokuto talks a lot about you!” A shorter girl with darker hair chirped. It took him a moment or two to realise that these must be Bokuto’s sisters. Bokuto had never really mentioned his family before so Akaashi wouldn’t have known that these two were his sisters.

“Come come...oh were his sisters by the way!” Dragging him by the hand towards the kitchen and sitting him down at the table. Starting out their conversation by clearing up the mystery of who they were.

They were slightly suspicious of how Akaashi was in Bokuto’s clothes and why he had slept the night, they were supportive of Bokuto’s decision to have Akaashi as a partner or a one-night stand. Causing the boy to short circuit and choke on the air he breathed in their comment making him stutter like crazy, he explained to them how that was not the case. They understood quickly with an awkward laughter apologizing for jumping to conclusions.

They talked a lot about how the two of them met and how they became friends. Their conversation moving quickly on to volleyball, how he started playing, what position he played and what was playing on a team with Bokuto like. Akaashi felt content in that moment talking to Bokuto’s older sisters.

“Morning Akaa- _shi_ ” The sight of seeing Akaashi chatting away to his two older sisters slapped the sleepiness out of Bokuto, feeling very awake all of a sudden.

“Good morning to you too Bokuto-san”

They talked for a good hour maybe more but Bokuto’s sisters had places to be. Having already eaten breakfast they soon started to ponder on what they could do for the rest of the day. Without Bokuto’s loud and witty sisters the house seemed rather quiet. His parents were still out, leaving just the two of them on their own.

Lounging around in Bokuto’s clothes with messy hair, Akaashi seemed rather relaxed in this environment. Bokuto on the other hand was itching to get out and do something.

“Hey Akaashi” Dangling his legs towards the celling as his head hung off the edge, even though he was upside down it felt good.

“Yes Bokuto-san?” Changing his line of sight towards the weirdly displayed boy.

“Do you wanna go out for the day?” Sitting up straight now to face Akaashi.

“Sure, I don’t mind but it wouldn’t exactly be appropriate for me to go out looking like this...” Akaashi was thankful for Bokuto lending him something to wear but it wouldn’t be the best of ideas to go out in clothing you would lounge about in. In all honesty that wasn’t much of a problem it was more of he didn’t want to attract other people’s attention. He was scared of their judgemental eyes always watching his every move. The more he thought about it the more he gripped tighter onto the sides of his thighs.

“I’m sure I can find something for you...hmm”

“It’s okay Bokuto-san” Bokuto raised a brow uncertain about Akaashi’s tone.

“The bottoms are a little big though...other than that there’s nothing wrong with your hoodie.” Too embarrassed to look up, Akaashi settled on staring at the floor. Over all it was a good floor.

“I’m sure there will be something smaller...I hope.” Bokuto ran off to his room, leaving Akaashi slightly dumbfounded by his sudden reaction.

Trailing after him, he made his way back onto the end of Bokuto’s bed. Letting himself fall back and feeling his muscles relax and his body calm down was something he could never get used too. The faint smell of burnt toast lingered around his noise, Bokuto always had that calming but weird smell about him and Akaashi had just figured out what that was. Burnt fucking toast but it complimented him and he actually smelt good. Shaking his head as Bokuto continued to dig through his wardrobe.

“Aha...would these fit?” Holding out a pair of black denim jeans. They looked a size too big but Akaashi was grateful he never liked tight jeans anyway.

“Thank you, Bokuto-san,” Nodding in agreement as he took the bottoms out of his hand.

Leaving Bokuto in the room alone again so he could change. After some time of checking himself out in the mirror, making sure he looked okay. Flattening out any creases he could find before using his fingers to brush through any knots in his hair. He felt a lot better knowing that he could actually gaze back at himself in the mirror; he was grateful that he didn’t recognise a monster.

A knock at the door startled him. “Hey Akaashi are you done yet?” Bokuto whined on the other side.

“I’ll be out in a minute” Answering his question, looking back into the mirror one more time. Taking `in a deep breath he stared back at himself with confidence. He left the bathroom feeling more like an actual person than ever.

Joining the other boy by the front door who was struggling to slip on his shoes. By the time Akaashi had put on his own trainers Bokuto hadn’t even tied up his laces yet. Growing a little impatient he decided to help out a very frustrated Bokuto.

“Stop let me do it.” Crouching down to his knees, untying the laces from their various lose knots. Murmuring out a small thankyou as he watched with interest at how skilful Akaashi’s fingers were, creating loops and pulling the lace through.

“I made sure to double knot them, they shouldn’t fall out so easily now.” Standing up again to Bokuto’s level. “Let’s get going then.” Bokuto gave the boy opposite him a grin as he unlocked the front door, opening it gesturing Akaashi to go ahead first.

Shutting the door behind them, Bokuto caught up to Akaashi who was a few paces ahead. Even though there were so many distractions around them as they strolled through the streets his mind couldn’t shake the thought of what Akaashi told him yesterday night. There was no way he would bring any of it up today, he couldn’t afford the trust he had built up. If he was going to help Akaashi then letting him be happy today and free of his past would be the first step. After that Bokuto had no idea what the fuck he was going to do, he knew that this happened in the world he wasn’t an idiot but he never thought it would happen to the people he cared for. And he hated the fact that he was powerless against it. Yes, he could go to a trusted adult or even the police but what evidence does he have other than his word? What if Akaashi freaks out about it or refuses to seek help?

The anxiety surrounding it all swarmed Bokuto’s mind, struggling to even think straight. He would use today to help himself calm down and get this off not only his mind but Akaashi’s too.

Looking over to the younger boy walking beside him, his dark grey eyes catching the sun’s blinding rays before glancing over to something else that caught his eye. The summer leaves had lost their green touch as autumn begun to take over. Fading from their viridescent shade to an ombre of yellow and lightened orange.

Taking great interest in his surroundings and how everything was changing slowly around him, Akaashi wondered if the same was happening to him. He thought about how his world was changing too. It was all happening at such a fast rate that he couldn’t match its pace but in reality, had anything actually changed?

Mentally telling himself to try and forget about it today, just for once let him enjoy this time with his closest friend. In his mind he begged the universe to take away his worries for just one day. He wanted to believe that they had answered his prayers.

The streets were quiet other than the odd car going past or a bird singing its tune. It was sort of peaceful, a few wisps of clouds floated in the sky above moving in the direction of the warm but cool breeze.

There wasn’t much small talk between the two, mainly because of Bokuto losing interest quickly as he kicked lone stones and pebbles on the side walk. Despite acting as if he had actually lost interest, he had no idea what to talk to Akaashi about. He wanted too but he became worried that if he said something that might link to Akaashi’s past it would distance the two. Sulking in his own misery, Bokuto had to snap himself out of it if he wanted to make today worth it.

Bringing both of his hands to his cheeks and slapping them rather harshly, forcing himself out of the bad mood he put himself in. Startling Akaashi.

“Are you okay Bokuto-san?” Leaning slightly forwards to check up on the boy who just slapped himself. “Yeah, I was just a little tired...talking about sleep, how did you sleep last night?” Lowering his hands to their natural resting positions.

“I- I slept well thank you for asking...” Cheeks red and flustered as Akaashi kept on replaying the scene when he woke up in Bokuto’s arms in his mind. Fixing his posture, straightening out his spine and pushing his shoulders back embarrassed as Bokuto had caught him off guard. Mentally scolding himself for allowing to became so flustered like that.

“Are you okay Akaashi? Are you ill-” Raising an eyebrow at Akaashi’s weird behaviour just then, bringing up his hand to the other boy’s forehead to check his temperature. “I’m fine you don’t have too you just surprised me.” Cutting off Bokuto before he could even finish his sentence.

“Oh okay.” Brushing the little incident off his shoulder, they two continued on their trip to where ever they were going.

The two teenagers managed to actually hold a conversation a little longer than their previous ones and before they knew it, they had reached the start of the town centre. Unlike the quiet streets and roads they walked down to reach to their destination the town was littered with people. As much as Akaashi would’ve preferred it to be lonesome he was sort of glad that there were so many people weaving about. It meant another distraction for him, another way that he wouldn’t have to worry but at the same time there was always a voice of reason at the darkest corners of his mind. Obviously he was going to be cautious where ever he went but he so desperately wanted to enjoy today.

Bokuto had already begun to point out various shops that sold a wide range of products, from food to books to clothing. Straining his mind to think about what sought of shops Akaashi would like to spend time in.

The boy always had his nose in some type of book, he told Bokuto once that reading was a way to escape reality when it became too stressful. Bokuto wouldn’t have known better at the time. He wouldn’t of know what he was referring too, if only he knew. Shaking those dangerous thoughts of doubt out of his head as he trailed his finger over each book as he walked along the isle. Reading the names of books he had never heard before.

Of course he knew some of the titles like Stephan King’s It (He had watched the film’s) or the hobbit (he had also watched that series too he liked it a lot better than It). Despite the few books he knew he took a few steps over to Akaashi to have a look at what novels he was flipping through.

“The catcher in the rye?” Turning his head almost upside down to read the title, it confused him. “Yeah, a classic it follows a young adult, Holden and follows his struggles of growing up and the protection of his innocence, mainly the innocence for children...its a good read I enjoyed it a lot.” Flipping through the fresh papers that scratched slightly every time they brushed past his fingers. 

“You sure know your books.” It actually spiked his interest how much Akaashi understood and loved every word the author had written down. You could tell from the way his eyes light up and how a smile forms on his face how much he loves reading and indulging in the many books that surrounded him.

“Oh, here’s another one that I enjoyed reading” Putting back the thin small blue book by J.D. Salinger and picking up a thicker book with a white cover. “Pride and pred-judice?” Bokuto read aloud the title struggling with it a little.

“Pride and prejudice, it’s a romance where this couple has to overcome the sins of pride and prejudice in order to fall in love and marry each other...it’s a good read I think my favourite quote from it is ‘You have bewitched me, body and soul’ it’s like saying I love you without saying those three words...a great story.” Putting the book back as he finished his explanation. “Damn they must be like soul mates or something.” Thoroughly enjoying listening to Akaashi talk about the books he’s read.

“So is there a book you haven’t read yet but want to read?” Skimming his fingers over the novels feeling every dip and indent of the pages.

“Of course, there’s actually one that was recommended to me and I’ve heard great things about it too...I’m pretty sure it’s called ‘They both die at the end’ kinda makes it predictable don’t you think?” Eyes narrowing as he searched for the book he wanted to read.

“Maybe they did that for a reason though? Cause your gonna know what happens at the end but maybe its not about dying its more about how they live their lives together?” It was clear to anyone how this conversation got the cogs in Bokuto’s mind turning. “I wouldn’t have guessed that but I think your right Bokuto-san, I don’t think the author would focus on their death’s to much as you already know they both die at the end so it will probably will talk more about their lives together rather than their deaths.” 

Bokuto caressed his chin with his thumb and index finger, scrunching up his face as he plunged into more deeper thoughts. “So it’s like a sad love story or something?” He questioned.

“Yeah, I guess it would be something like Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, it’s a tragedy where the two star crossed lovers end up dying for each other’s love at the end due to the fact they had to keep their relationship a secret to their families who despised one another. Similar to how I think ‘They both die at the end’ will finish.” Bokuto had forgotten all about searching for the book Akaashi wanted to read, too focused on what the other boy had to say. “Wow so they ended up dying for each other because their families had some sort of fight?” It was hard for Bokuto to imagine dying for someone you loved, he wondered if he would ever have that type of love.

“Yeah, it’s quite the play there’s more too it but we’ll have to watch the movie for it sometime.” Turning back to face the rows upon rows of novels in front of him, returning to his search. “Damn I think I might get emotional...I forgot what book we were looking for...” Scratching the side of his head as he tried to remember the title.

“It’s called ‘They both die at the end’.”

They spent the next fifteen minutes in almost silence in search of the novel. Bokuto spent a lot of that time finding books with weird or strange titles or reading their blurbs and finding that they might not be as weird or strange as they originally seemed.

Akaashi called over to Bokuto who was now lost in the fantasy section glancing over the various novels in front of him. Skipping past the books who had the name ‘Harry potter’ or ‘Percy Jackson’ in their title he knew he wasn’t looking for anything about wizards or Greek mythology. Giving up his search in the fantasy section as he stumbled back over to Akaashi who was proudly holding a book in hand.

“I found it.” He smiled. Thankful that he had spare change on him, Akaashi had more than enough to buy and become the new owner of it. It had been a while since he had purchased such a book, his other ones had become tatted and worn due to the excessive number of times he had reread them. Reading about other peoples lives and distant worlds was so much more comforting than coming to terms with his own. 

The ring of a small brass bell signified that they had left the shop and had moved on their way to roam around the streets once more. Akaashi’s fingers curled round the handle of the brown paper bag, afraid that he would lose the book if he didn’t hold on tightly enough.

The two of them wandered side by side, peering through any and all shop windows. They ventured into to a few more places before heading out to grab something to snack on. Strolling through many streets, their stomached rumbled as their nose’s led the way. After taking many wrong turns and cutting through various alley ways they had finally ended up at the food court.

Buzzing with people queuing up to order their food or waiting for tables to be open and available. After a quick discussion between the two of them they made the final decision to order their late lunch and head over to a near by park.

The wait time for queuing and ordering their meals went by quicker than expected. Maybe because it was coming close to three in the afternoon and the crowds were starting to die down. Whatever the reason may be, it was better this way, they could enjoy their time a lot more.

The walk over to the park wasn’t that long, maybe around ten minutes at most. Taking up an unoccupied bench close to the lake and not too far away from the opening of a forest. They spent the next half an hour enjoying their warm meals.

The sun was still bright and fun as ever as it complimented the breeze that brushed past them. Like the wind that carefree emotion Akaashi had only ever dreamed about blew through him too. In those moments spent gazing out at the lake, in those moments where he watched the clouds, in those moments with Bokuto he felt free. The scenes playing out in front of him granted his wish to be like the people around him, happy and carefree.

He had expected to feel some type of euphoria flood through him but this was better. He was finally given a taste of freedom. Even though his problems still stood before him today he didn’t have to worry about them.

_Is this what’s being at peace with yourself feels like?_

Tilting his head up towards the ever-changing sky, smiling softly with closed eyes. Akaashi felt happy. He was able to feel the kiss of the sun’s warm rays bestowed upon his skin. He may have lost himself along the journey somewhere but every moment he spent like this pulled his soul back onto the right track. He was sure Bokuto could feel it too.

He was sure he felt content with where he was right now. Even if Bokuto knew about the horrors of his past, even if Akaashi wasn’t going to be in his future he hoped that Bokuto would treasure these moments as much as he did. No matter what would happen he wanted Bokuto to always remember their times together, to be able to recall this memory and feel what ever this was, just as strong as it is now. Akaashi never wanted them to dull. He never wanted them to be forgotten.

Rays of amber light stretched over the horizon welcoming the mystery the night held as the radiant glow died out. Its distorted reflection rippled on the lake’s surface. Leaves danced in the breeze with the plants swaying along to the harmony of the birds and the chirps of crickets.

It was peaceful. With the sun setting and the park now deserted. They were the only two who could fully embrace the raw emotion that their surroundings caused. “It’s nice out here don’t you think?” Bokuto turned round to face the boy next to him. Akaashi didn’t reply, too busy in a world of his own. Instead, he looked up to the sky once more and then to Bokuto. Biting the inside of his lip, tugging slightly at the scarred flesh.

Forcing himself to stop his nervous habit. Moving on to play with his hands as he smiled at Bokuto. See it wasn’t the first time that he had smiled at Bokuto and it wouldn’t be the last. Despite that there was something in that moment that was different from all the rest.

There was something different in the way he relaxed. There was something different about the air that surrounded him. Bokuto couldn’t quite understand what this all was. But he couldn’t deny the flutter of hope, its fragile wings fighting against the unforgiving gales of fate.

An emotion Akaashi couldn’t physically described glinted in Bokuto’s eyes as he smiled back. Who knew such a simple effortless expression could make someone feel this way?

Bokuto didn’t need a reply from Akaashi, he already knew. He didn’t need words to explain to him or for him to write it down. He simply just knew. There’s some type of beauty in knowing what people are feeling when all the information you have is just a smile. Bokuto wasn’t the best at school but he had a sort of intelligence that education couldn’t give you and he was using that to the best of his ability now.

He didn’t want to leave the comfort of the bench, or the tranquil atmosphere of the park. He wanted to spend many more moments like this. If he could help Akaashi that meant more than happiness itself.

Placing his hands of the back of his head, Bokuto indulged in his surroundings. He wanted to make the most of his time with Akaashi now before he had to leave. Attentively listening to the nature that joined in song together creating a hidden orchestra before him. 

“The sunsets are beautiful aren’t they?”

Bokuto gave a low hum as part of his reply. “I wish I could watch the sunset every day but I think the sun rise is just as good too! I watch it every morning when I go on my runs.” He was glad he could watch the sun rise into the sky in the early mornings; it gave him some type of reassurance that he didn’t understand. Nonetheless he was grateful for its ascend.

“Why don’t you stay up and watch the sunsets then?” Akaashi grew intrigued at what Bokuto had to say. Eager to know more.

“I just think that sunsets should be shared with someone important you know.” Bokuto looked out towards the horizon. It wasn’t the first time he saw a dying sun set but it was his first with someone who he cared so much about. “Some one important?” This time Akaashi shuffled around on the bench to face the other boy next to him, who stared into the sun as if it were the last time, he would ever see it.

“I consider you someone important to me Akaashi.” Swivelling round to face the dark-haired boy.

“Keiji. Call me Keiji” It reminded Akaashi about last night, how he didn’t even ask if he could call Bokuto by his first name embarrassment seeping into his mind. It just felt right in the moment to do so. He didn’t know if it was the right thing to do though.

“Okay Keiji.”

The dying sun gave out its last flash of amber light before completely submerging under the line of the horizon. Letting the moon shine bright with the rest of the stars that revealed themselves, painting the night sky.

The two cleared up before walking towards the park entrance. They still had a long journey home ahead of them.

The cool breeze was replaced with a chilling wind that blew through their clothes causing goosebumps to pop up all over their skin. Nimble fingers holding on to side of Bokuto’s hoodie as the two walked rather quickly towards the train station. Feet tapping softly against the surface of the sidewalk, shoulders brushing against each other more than often.

Making their way onto an empty platform, Bokuto put an arm in front of Akaashi as he got too close to the edge. Eyes fixated on the train carriages rushing past them, Akaashi hesitated to cover his ears as the shrieking of the wheels on steel tracks threatened to pierce his ear drums.

The older grey-haired boy took notice the twitch of Akaashi’s wrists and how he dug his nails into his soft flesh. Forming small crescent moon dents into his skin. Lowering down his hand to caress the fabric over Akaashi’s wrist, awkwardly reaching to hold his pinkie with his own. He opted against it as the train was now long gone, never taking that chance to comfort Akaashi. He stopped anxiously fidgeting his nerves returning back under the surface of his skin.

Swaying backwards and forwards from the balls of his feet to his heels, Bokuto rocked rather impatiently. On the other hand, Akaashi stood patiently on the platform, finger tips skimming the smooth paper littered with hundreds of words drawing him in with every one he read. 

In wasn’t long before their train rolled in. It was fairly quiet, each carriage holding no more than one or two people. The two boys found their seats, the more patient one closed his book shut memorizing the page he had just read as he carefully set the novel back down into the brown paper bag. Instead of reading on their train journey he thought about what his friend would like to do. His kind act from earlier didn’t go unnoticed. 

Bokuto was curious to why Akaashi was shuffling around so much, watching him with wide golden eyes. He finally got his answer a few seconds later when the other boy pulled out white earphones, a little tangled though. Akaashi fixed the minor problem and plugged them into his phone. Scrolling through to what Bokuto deemed to be some music app. Turning his head the other way assuming Akaashi would want to listen to music as some type of way to avoid him. He hoped that wasn’t the case.

A small nudge to the shoulder told him otherwise, turning his head yet again to see what Akaashi wanted his attention for. In one of his hands he held out a single white earphone. Bokuto’s eyes lit up eagerly taking the bud and placing it gently in his ear. He wondered what type of music he was into, maybe he was secretly into classical or rock? Whatever genre or mix of genres he was just happy Akaashi would share this with him.

Pressing play on the screen, the faint hum of a guitar flowed into their ears shortly followed by the lyrics.

_I know I’m a freak, rip the band aid, broke the peace_ ~

Heavy burdened eye lids fell closed, Akaashi titled his head upwards tugging ever so slightly at the wires. He shuffled over a little closer towards Bokuto, using the excuse in his head that the earphones might fall out if he’s too far away. The other boy must’ve understood this too as he shifted in his seat ever so slightly, his lower thigh brushing up against Akaashi’s knee.

_Guess I set you free, I hope you found a place to sleep~_

Bokuto’s taste in music was rather different to what Akaashi listens too. Despite the very different genre it suits him. Bokuto wouldn’t have it any other way.

_You can come home to me, when your ready~_

He felt as if he could better understand Akaashi, in a way this would class as some type of bonding experience.

_I left the gate unlocked for you~_

Bokuto’s hands were rested in the pocket of his hoodie but he would rather them resting elsewhere.

_‘Till then I’m sendin’ out smoke signals~_

Taking quick peeps at Akaashi’s resting form, eyes darting to his hands.

_Hopin’ I’ll see yours too_

He really wanted to hold his hand and like the song he hoped that Akaashi would send him some type of signal that he wanted too as well.

The two troubled teenagers with an earphone bud in one ear stayed seated throughout their train journey, both listening to some of Akaashi’s favourite songs. The soft strings of a guitar and the lullaby of lyrics worked their way into their minds, calming them down and letting them relax. Even though the whole day was set in place to add some type of peace and take away the stress, that train journey home was the final performance of the night. The last act before the fall of the curtain.

Countless more songs played similar to the first. At the start Bokuto was so tense and uptight when Akaashi had succumbed to the drowsiness that plagued his body, falling into a light sleep. It wasn’t that Akaashi had fell asleep but more of the fact that he fell asleep resting on Bokuto’s shoulder. He wasn’t opposed in anyway; he was grateful but a certain tingle spread throughout his body spreading like wildfire. It made his cheeks flush red and every time Akaashi stilled it sent panic throughout him that he might’ve woken the poor boy up.

Despite his embarrassing reactions his eyes softened when he looked down to see messy raven hair and resting eyelids. He would be lying if he said he spent more time gazing at those lightly shaded pink parted lips, that looked so soft to the touch. He wished he could. He didn’t understand why he did it was a foreign and strange feeling but it never once felt wrong.

“Hey Ak-Keiji wake up” His voice low and calming. Bokuto didn’t want to wake Akaashi up from his slumber but they were getting off at the next stop. Tapping his shoulder lightly as the boy’s eye lids fluttered open adjusting to the bright blinding lights.

“Where are we?” The boy’s voice was croaky as he questioned there where abouts. “Just coming up to are stop.” Bokuto informed him. Akaashi lifted his head a little embarrassed that he had fallen asleep on the boy’s shoulder, muttering a quick ‘sorry’ as he rubbed tired eyes.

“What do you mean ‘are’?” Staring with confusion eyes never wavering.

“I meant that I’m getting off with you and walking you back.”

“Bokuto-san...you don’t have too.” As much as Akaashi wanted Bokuto to walk back with him he felt selfish to keep the boy for a little longer. Bokuto just being here with him gave him more comfort than anyone or thing. See Akaashi didn’t need the world if it was already right in front of him.

“But I want too...I don’t want you walking home alone...” He still clung onto his fears of when they first met, unable to shake them off. Akaashi didn’t fight back, he knew better not too.

Pulling the earphones out of their ears Akaashi wrapped it before placing it into the pocket of Bokuto’s hoodie. Stepping out of the train the two walked off together a centimetre apart. An icy wind gushed past them as they walked by the side of the road. It was late evening coming up to what people classed as the night.

Silence had fell upon the two, it wasn’t awkward at all if anything they enjoyed it. Being in each other’s presence was a gift they couldn’t always share so moments like these they appreciated it all too well.

A few times their hands would lightly graze over each other or their arms would. Akaashi thought that it must’ve been incidental but as soon as it happened again, he knew it wasn’t. Deep down he knew it wasn’t.

Bokuto hadn’t told the full truth earlier when he stated that he would walk the other boy back to his house. After Akaashi explained to him and all the horrors he had witnessed he didn’t want him to bear the weight of it all. If there was anything he could do he would or at least attempt to do so. And that’s what he was doing now, even though he was powerless against Akaashi returning, he wanted to do something. If was how he did it then so be it.

Bokuto knew he wasn’t always going to there but if he could bring some sort of light into his life again, he would.

Their pinkie fingers skimmed against each other again, uncertainty flowed through Bokuto. Hesitating to follow that all too familiar ache in his chest.

Just as their hands brushed past each other again, Akaashi couldn’t wait for it to happen again he wasn’t sure if he would get another chance, these same thoughts clouded Bokuto’s mind too. 

As skin came in contact with skin the two didn’t hold back. Even though there were countless thoughts flooding their minds and their hearts raced in their chest they couldn’t deny serenity it brung to their souls.

The smallest finger at the end of their hands had finally intertwined and the not being able to hand each other’s hand fully left a dull ache. The other fingers desperate for one another’s touch, middle and index grazing up against the others.

Bokuto had only imagined what the setter’s hands would feel like but this took him by surprise by how soft they were. His palms weren’t too muscular but perfectly balanced out by being tender too. His slender fingers held on not too tightly. Bokuto swore he could feel his palms start to sweat, his shoulders tensed as his eyes darted to their hands and back onto the path way before him.

He was really doing it, Bokuto felt so blessed in that moment that he struggled to breath in the air that surrounded him. He couldn’t physically describe the euphoria that coursed through his veins. He felt as if he were on cloud nine.

Akaashi felt a similar elation. Both content with their actions. However, the pair never voiced it. Not a single word popped out of there mouths, not even a slight hum. Instead a smile was all they ever expressed, nothing more nothing less.

A centimetre apart had been cut down to a millimetre apart. Almost as if Akaashi were trying to hide what they were doing, he never thought that it was wrong but the judgemental stares from anyone that looked at him burned throughout the anxious boy. His bottom lip threatening to quiver and his eyes dashed to any thing that moved or looked as if it were to pounce on him. The comforting rub of Bokuto’s thumb on his skin only did so much as Bokuto’s hands tried to push a little further.

Akaashi wanted to but his hands remained frozen. Maybe it was because if Bokuto got to close he would get hurt? What if everything he knew would get him hurt? What if Bokuto was doing his out of pity? What if it was all just some silly little dare and he meant nothing by it?

His thoughts spiralled out of control; his body persisted its usual cover up whenever this would happen. Tension flowed effortlessly threw him as paranoid eyes locked onto the pavement ahead.

His hand frozen in place, uncooperative with Bokuto’s. The older grey-haired boy took that as an indication not to push any further as he was already treading on thin ice. Bokuto understood the warning signs, not entirely sure what to do as he felt his hand loosen around Akaashi’s.

Akaashi felt his soft grip fade to almost nothing, throwing them back to square one. He didn’t want to let go, he wanted to hold on for just a little longer. Akaashi’s own thoughts plagued him as his pinkie held on a little tighter for just a second before completely pulling away.

He’d done it again, he thought this time would be different, in all honesty he never intended to push Bokuto away. Akaashi was scared more than he would care to admit. He hated the way how he listened to the persuasion of those voices of doubt. The way how he repeated their pleads in his head over and over again, over analysing every syllable of each word till it drove him insane. It was a defence mechanism he had lived his whole life by.

_Push them away before you hurt them, your better of being alone and not burdening them with your insignificant problems. All they will ever see you as is just a pathetic excuse for a human being. They don’t need to know about your problems you’ll annoy them and they will leave. They’ll leave..._

His hand fell limp against his side, surrendering to himself. Akaashi was too tired to fight any longer, if he listened too himself it would be okay, if he listened everything would sort itself out.

Snapped back to reality by Bokuto’s lingering hand hovering next to his. A millimetre apart had been stretched into a centimetre apart. Distancing himself. The process had started and there was nothing Akaashi could do to change it.

Turning the corner into Akaashi’s street, nearing the place Bokuto dreaded to leave him. The older boy was uncertain of what was actually going through the raven-haired boys mind. He knew something was troubling Akaashi and just assumed that it was being so close to his house that caused his anxious state.

Obviously he wondered if Akaashi would ever push him away like many of his previous friends. However a part of him always knew that he was different than the rest. Akaashi was different.

Either of their hands or any part of their bodies never touched as they continued to walk down the pathway. Not a word spoken; silence lurking over them.

“Thank you, Bokuto-san, for walking me back” Akaashi stood in front of Bokuto his back facing towards his house. Awkwardly fumbling about with his hands, his movements becoming harsher with each passing second. “Stop... _stop_.” Bokuto’s voice cracked as he whispered out before continuing again. “You don’t have to thank me Keiji...but _please_ can you stay with me for just one more night”. The desperate plead found its way to Akaashi’s ears but all he could reply back with was “Thank you for today Bokuto-san I really enjoyed it.”

Akaashi didn’t have to voice anything else his tone and expression was enough. Even though the thoughts from earlier still lurked in his head somewhere Bokuto had some what pulled him back into reality again.

“Keiji you don’t have to thank me...I told you that you don’t have to thank me anymore... _please_.” it surprised Bokuto at just how mentally and physically strong Akaashi was, he knew what he was returning too, if it were the other way round Bokuto knew that he wouldn’t have been able to survive as long as Akaashi.

“You know I can’t.”

Who knew that those four simple words could shatter some ones whole moral. Hearing those four words out loud broke Bokuto, he knew it was wrong he couldn’t leave him here. Opening his mouth to persuade Akaashi not to but nothing not even a sound erupted from him.

Bokuto would by lying if he said that he could see Akaashi clearly now. Teary eyes blurred his vision, he couldn’t make out any details of Akaashi’s face watered down to only blobs of colour. He stumbled forward as he used his sleeve to rid the liquid blocking his vision.

“I’m sorry Kōtarō.” Bokuto felt slender arms wrap round him, comforting him with their warm embrace.

_I should be the one apologizing not you Keiji._

He couldn’t even voice his own thoughts as the tight burn round his neck stopped him from doing so. Almost choking on every staggered breath he took in. Bokuto’s chin rested on top of Akaashi’s hair as the pain of his teeth sinking into his lower lip overpowered his need to cry out into the darkness of the night.

Finger tips dug into the fabric of Bokuto’s hoodie. Akaashi’s grip tightened as he burrowed his head further into the crook of the boy’s neck. Strangled cries that were barely above a whisper as his emotions grew to unbearable to hold in. Akaashi could never tell Bokuto how scared he was to step a single foot into his house but he had no other available option. He knew better than to risk it.

Bokuto knew he couldn’t risk Akaashi’s safety for his own selfish desires. He wanted to hold onto him forever he was sure Akaashi never wanted to let go either. “I’m sorry Kōtarō ... _I’m so sorry_.” Apologizing for leaving him like this as the frail boy sobbed, his vice like grip on Bokuto grew stronger by the moment. Breathing in as much of Bokuto’s scent as he could using it to calm himself down.

Akaashi was the first to pull away, not that he wanted to but he had was forced too. Through the corner of his peripheral he saw the visible downstairs lights flicker on. Making him jump back and stumble further away from Bokuto’s embrace, he wanted nothing more than to fall into his arms again and be cradled by them. Despite his wishes for that to happen he knew he would be pushing it if he went back to the boy standing dumbfounded in front of him.

Eyes warning Bokuto to walk away to escape getting caught. Akaashi knew his father was already pissed for not returning last night and if he found Akaashi hugging a boy just outside of his house god knows what would happen. Fingers itched for another touch, another chance to make things right.

Bokuto was torn between the two ideas that he debated in his mind.

A low _fuck it_ could be heard from Akaashi as he ran towards the other boy unsure of what to do. Throwing his arms round him as he held onto him for dear life. “ _I’ll be okay trust me_.” Whispering those quiet words into Bokuto’s ear. Arms losing their hold onto the grey-haired boy, eyes screaming at him to leave, to run away.

Akaashi had told him he was going to be okay and Bokuto trusted his judgement, every fibre of his being wanted to doubt him just for once but he had to leave. There was no way in hell he was going to make this worse that it already was even if he had to leave his best friend behind.

Fleeing from the scene, he could still feel Akaashi’s tense stare on the back of his head. He forced himself not to look back and turn around. Those eyes held so much fear and it physically pained Bokuto to gaze into them especially just then when it was clearly evident. He never wanted to see that look in his ocean grey eyes again. Never again.

“ _Forgive me Keiji_ ”

**Author's Note:**

> yall dont hate me


End file.
